Why all this music?

Another month, eh…

Hope everyone is doing well? It’s pretty wild out there.

Thanks to the folks who came to say hi at Good Vibes this weekend, was nice to meet you, hope maybe some of us can work together next year.

Thanks to Rowanjoy for having me.

I’ve been busy in the studio working on self portraits and bringing some of my photos off of screens and into reality with Art Director Wizard, Hannah Taylor…pray to the print and post office gods that I get them back in time for:

Out of the Blue Drill Hall Open Studios

Sundays 3 & 10 December

11-4

You’ll find me making a wee guest appearance with pals Lost Map Records in their studio, G49.

There’s an art market on out in the main space and also lots of neighbours work to have a nosy at. My studio is in a weird part of the building and I’d have had to get some door staff to bring folks up and down, in which case might as well just hire in a PA and build a bar…or sneak into a pal’s space and make a mess there instead.

I’ll have some images of gigs/events I’ve shot for Lost Map over the last few years, along with a few performer portraits I made on Eigg last year at Howlin Fling. But I’ll also have a few prints to sell, maybe the stuff Hannah’s been putting together (definitely by the 10th).

Would be great to see you if you are free so fire along and say hi, bag some prints, records and merch…

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I’d also love it if you joined the gang at LOST & FOUND.

It’s a private space on here where I write a bit. Mostly so far it’s been about a bunch of heavy stuff over the last year but I’m so bored of talking about that stuff and of trying to process traumatic things. It’s all a bit too woe is me. I’ve not written on there for a while as it’s all been a bit intense.

I was in the bath earlier thinking, why do I waste my time sometimes getting all maudlin about past lives I know I don’t miss. I don’t want to be cynical and hold all this tension in my body so maybes it’s all resurfacing just cos my body and brains know it’s time to alchemise them all…So I’ve started writing some short stories to add into the mix. Might be based on life experiences or mythology, who knows. Sue me.

I’ve promised some folks to write a bit more about my experiences of things like Poland Syndrome and kicking the booze so I’ll still rant on about that too I guess but I want to lean in to the tasty stuff. Also maybes get to share some stories from the old days about all the characters I’ve met and their weird and wonderful ways…Come along with me, no salacious scandals just some cathartic larking about and sharing tales to get to know each other better?

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This last month has mostly been getting involved in my kid’s obsession with the beautiful game, visiting my lovely pals in Hamburg and avoiding them turning me into a cat lady, staring at art as always and having a wild old time on a lantern parade with a bunch of little kids.

Visiting church in Hamburg on a Saturday evening is a surreal experience which I didn’t know I needed and highly recommend. A woman was riding a hobby horse, pretending to be a male saint, while the weans sang some hymns about this saint fella hiding out in a goose shed. Praise be. After their lantern parade we had a wee band with a light up xylophone and marching drums play some tunes for us while everyone drank tea and ate goose shaped biscuits. Sonder. Perfect entertainment for space cadets who don’t speak German.

There’s also a lush exhibition on about Otto Dix’s shared influences. I fell in love with a black and white surreal film by Julian Rosefeldt, called Deep Gold. It’s a short made in 2014. Set in 1920s, it explores sexual morals, gender roles and the similarities in politics then and now, all set in a tiny Berlin nightclub. It’s like a shot too many of absinthe.

Oh and I also fell in love with poet Gregory Orr. I’ve been a fan of his work for a while, short and succinct lyrical gems. I watched him tell the story of his life (he killed his brother in a hunting accident as a wee kid, was tortured for demonstrating against war and all sorts) and how his art saved it and he’s just a very cool old boy. You can read a bit about his history here. He’s developed this whole world for his work in which he says there’s a book that contains all the poems and lyrics ever written, he calls it the beloved, and it’s a library where everyone has access to the magic of all art and words.

““I believe in poetry as a way of surviving the emotional chaos, spiritual confusions, and traumatic events that come with being alive.””

— Gregory Orr

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I’ll be adding some prints to an online store on here over winter too. I’m also really bored of instagram and avoid all the other social platforms entirely so come join the regular old mailing list and I’ll remind you when I’ve word vommed on here again or when I’ve succumbed to the pressures of capitalism and done some offer on prints or when I’ve found my baws and sorted an exhibition or whatever…?

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PORTRAIT TIME??

I’ve carved out some time before the wedding work in 2024 so I’ll be in the studio being a weirdo but I’ll also have a little time for portrait sessions so hit me if you’d like to come along and make some images together.

SAY CHEESE

Speak soon xx

cherish me or leave me alone in my wee magic world, thanks

How’s tricks?

I’m on my third round of midgy bite welts of the summer, genuinely feel like I’ve lived a solid 5 lives since Spring.

I’ve not blogged any of the many photo jobs I promised to blog yet…

I’ve been working, galavanting and frolicking this last month. And no, I haven’t seen Barbie or Oppenheimer. I don’t want to sit in a dark room for hours in the summer when it’s the only time of year we have like a 15% chance of blue skies outside for about 10% of the day…unless someone I like is gently fingering me and whispering delicious things in my ear, which have nothing to do with either of those films, in which case I’d think about it, depending on the weather forecast. Quite the opening gambit. The link is to Hollie McNish reading her poem about fingering to Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You which, as a music snob, I am very conflicted by every time I read it/see her perform it, which I did the other day because August has got off to a busy start. I’ve also been dancing and working with lovely folks. I’m a wee bit overtired.

I’ve also been offered a new studio in Leith. So I’ll be back by the walk from early September.

This week’s my kid’s 10th birthday too, always blows my mind how time travels through being a parent. And inevitably I spend the few days before looking back. I’m so fucking glad I got the hell away from his dad. I know it’s not always the best for every family in the shit to split, it takes time to figure out what you should do when it feels like the end. It was the healthiest move I ever made. The person he was when I knew him was not a good person to be around. I think there’s 2 types of father, the kind that’d do anything for their kids, even potentially put themselves in the shit and there’s ones who’ll rip off their kid’s mum and be an asshole in front of them. I know which kind of person I’d rather be around. But you have to forgive yourself for the things you used to tolerate. And I don’t mind being the scapegoat. Things are really good in my life, I’m learning when to hold em and when to fold em, ya know.

Like most parents do, I reckon my kid is really beautiful. He’s way more emotionally intelligent and self assured than I was at his age but still a wee guy, slowly reaching for some independence. I’m so proud of him. It feels weird that he’s growing towards those strange teen years but I can’t wait to see who he becomes as I’m pretty sure he’ll keep being a legend. I don’t really like to share photos of him online but here’s a couple of old ones.

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I took my boy of a 4 night holiday to Barcelona since I last delighted you with my mediocre lexicon.

The hotel has this huge round pool, it was mad hot (or as the sleazy waiter put it, ‘it’s hot out here today…looks me up and down… and also there is the sun. wow) so we didn’t do much except some crazy golfing and cheating at Uno. But that pool, just floating around, looking up at the blue sky and palm trees, being so thankful for a minute away from everything, feeling like Tony Montana in his massive bath. Good nourishment.

Then I got the flu off some filthy animal on the plane home and ended up sick in bed for just as long but swings and roundabouts yeah.

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I had a very rare negative experience at work lately. I don’t want to dwell on it but I have been on tangents around what is and isn’t ok. It got me thinking all about different types of communication, how we show love, love languages and how some take advantage of others. Some people have a habit of appearing from nowhere when they are in crisis but rarely treat you as a friend in good times. I’m not very good at creating boundaries for myself around that type of thing but the more I write and share online and become aware of all of these things, the more I’ve realised how many times that’s happened to me. I’m done with always feeling like there’s drama at my feet that’s fuck all to do with me. If you don’t include me in the light, I can’t help you with your dark.

And while I’m at it, when it comes to relationships, just naaaah to disinterested men. Expecting to be chased like a delicate little prince just makes me think of those funny wee shoes and knee high socks on posh boys in massive old paintings and then do a wee bit of a vomit in my mouth. Effort, communication, reassurance is sexy and breadcrumbs can fuck off. There’s nothing sexier than a man who does everything he can to make sure you 100% know he wants you (and I’m not talking about those love bombing sociopaths, but steady, slow, consistent, delicious patter). Men that value connection get it and they recognise that women are loyal and grateful creatures when we’re treated right.

Grumble grumble, eh?!…All of that from a night at work. Wild.

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“Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted.”

— Sylvia Plath

I’ve been appreciating the folks who show they value me, who create little gifts, who share stories and experiences, who offer acts of service, who try to figure out what I’m all about, who don’t judge…I’ve had times when I think things have been lost in translation, where I’ve felt I let people down cos I’ve not been fully aware of the conversations we were having. Probably happens more for us creepy types who get a bit creative with communication then forget to actually just talk. I don’t want to go back to that horrific feeling of letting someone down through miscommunication so that’s a huge part of why I write all of this. I needed to push myself into being a better communicator, to understand myself better and to be able to love others better.

The more I read about neurodivergence, about rejection sensitivity and about dissociating the more I forgive myself for past situations and feel better placed for future ones. I’ve always been fascinated by human psychology but probably never really been that aware of my own neurodivergence. I always just kind of internalised things as personal failings. I think ND folks are consistently told we’re doing things wrong and how we feel is too much and that we take things too personally. Space cadet. Lazy. Rocket. Weirdo. Whatever…Many of us need to give ourselves a break and also maybe be more patient with folks sometimes. But then there’s a big difference between letting people walk all over us and finding where we put our boundaries around communication. I realise sometimes we’re all crap at communicating, sometimes we’re just fully in the shit and need time to figure out what we want, who we want to grow to be, what that entails. I’ve got a new quest for myself, I reach out once or twice and if I get nothing back I let it go. So any pals who haven’t seen me in ages reading this and realising, yeah, it’s cos you never got back in touch to make plans to rant/dance/rob billionaires on space stations and it’s your turn. We all know now so you better make an adventure that’s worth the wait, yeah.

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Right, so schools go back next week and I move into the studio soon. It’ll be good to not be sat in the corner of my bedroom staring at photos of folks kissing like some creepy wee boy. I’ll get to posting all the new summer work and Autumn is quieter with bookings so I’m here for portraits, editorials, brand shoots and collaborations. I’m shooting an event this week with a jeweller who’s work I love, it’s full of mysticism and surrealism. I’ve got some wedding editing and gigs coming up, elopements to help plan and the usual juggle but it all feels a bit less frantic and more manageable. I feel like I’m in a way better place still, feeling calm and happy, letting things flow, excited for what the rest of the year is bringing.

I feel like I'd like to throw all my clothes out the window, whitewash my flat from floor to ceiling, shave all my hair off and start again from the very beginning x

Crack yourself wide open like a nut and butter the world with yer alchemy.

How’s it going?

Did everyone go through the good news portal with me on Friday 9 June? Obviously out there is abject misery mostly but I’ve had the fucking best time since I managed to rob those test results and stop fretting.

Last week was really incredible for conversations with amazing folks, very inspirational chat, my brain’s been whirring away with ideas. I really enjoyed working on a brand commission and some portrait sessions. Best of all, I gave myself a proper treat of a road trip. Mostly thanks to an offer from some clients to guinea pig their new holiday home. I spent a few nights away from home and just indulged myself in all the good stuff and some summer cliches. I’m a not nonchalant as fuck wee thing, I feel everything deeply, including all the good stuff when it invariably comes back around. I feel so very lucky. I had a few days were I felt like I wasn’t in a constant state of fight or flight, that I could just be. I’m very much trying to keep it that way.

Anyways, I swam (peed) in 2 seas, a pool and for the first time, in a loch. In the loch, it was just me and a beautiful little blue dragonfly dancing around my face. It was shallow so the water was warm, the colour of a fine malt but very much did not taste like one. Well slidy rocks though, no sultry way in or out of that bad boy. Geologied out ma nut in there till the thunder came.

I spent a whole day in my pants on a remote beach, making cyanotype sun prints, shooting some film, swimming and writing. For me, I struggle to get into a flow with making things, my time is all as scattered as my thoughts and I’m shit with routine even thought I need discipline, so little rituals help a lot. They help me to ground myself, to self regulate when the nasty stuff surfaces from nowhere and to focus. I was having such an idyllic time I had a ‘fucking rob and sell everything that’s not tied down, get a fancy winnebago and fuck off into the sunset’ kind of vibe going. Then I got stuck behind one for like 8 hours on the road home and ugh.

I stayed at a hotel one night last week which was overrun with grumpy old couples sitting eating in silence. It was amazing. You could hear a pin drop in the restaurant. Well, except for this one old boy who was British but speaking in French and only really at the other guy’s wife who I’m 100% sure he was trying to seduce. His wife was livid. The other guy silent. It was delicious to watch. The wife eyed me up and down later on and I just beamed at her. I fucking love that type of people watching. That’s not even the observation. The point being literally all the men in a small town like that will look at you with the hungry eyes as they usually only get to chat to grumpy pensioners.

I’ve been hatching plans to bring some of my personal work together into one tangible thing but I’ve not made it yet so sssh. I love how I only ever figure these things out just in time for busy work time and school holidays. The idea involves learning some new processes. I need to give myself a challenge so it’s all good. I want to take my time with it all but I’m also self aware enough to know that if there isn’t a deadline it could take forever.

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I’ve been doing all the growing (mostly my belly thanks to the depression diet of the last wee while). Here’s my random recent anecdotes/observations:

I went for a run one morning last week in the heat. I’m really not very fit at all, exercise always come last in our busy house. Also I prefer dancing and shagging. But there’s nothing like a cancer scare to get you moving. I always have the tunes on loud to drown out the wheezing. I must have been proper puffing and panting cos some grandad stopped gardening to stand and clap me on. Not really the sign of a passing athlete.

The whole time I’m thinking, ‘fucksake, I can’t do this, I’ll never be any good, I’m not good enough, I can’t’ etc etc and then I get to the Mussel sculpture that folks always seem to say is a clam but hiya, it’s Musselburgh. And the penny drops that I’ve done halfway despite telling myself I can’t. I’m already doing it, despite myself. I’m already doing it. And the rest of the way back I realise I do this about most things in life and now I just need to tell the anxious thoughts to shut up and listen and watch cos I’m already fucking doing it. So that’s my new mantra, every time I feel myself start to ruminate or catastophize. Pipe down hen, you’re already doing it.

As high priestess Ru Paul says, “Don’t let your feelings sabotage your experience in this life. Do not.” I think a lot of the anger I was carrying was cos I’ve been so frustrating feeling like past experience being stuck in my nervous system was the same as self sabotage but it’s not, it’s just my body learnt to protect me, which is amazing. It just takes more time than for some to learn when you are safe. So I’m not going to hide away from anything anymore and I’m not going to blame myself for being human.

Why would you not chase after dreams, like why the fuck would you not? We’re here one time. It’s only small minded people who would ever tell you not to go after something that filled you with joy. I had this amazing conversation with a client who I’m delighted to have worked with a couple of times recently and will again soon. Having been in relationships with men who try to keep you small by undermining your creative voice or self expression or personality or confidence… they’re maybe doing that cos they’re intimated. Perhaps they have to be the creative one as a lot of it is just posturing and not from a genuine place. Those types of men are not open to being collaborative as they come from ego and also they just think women have a place, a supporting role, making the tea, being the good little wife or a dirty hoebag, whatever. When I was younger I mistook narcissistic peacocking for real self expression in some.

I think creative people are generally full of wonder at things and want to see others create and express themselves freely as it’s inspiring and magic to witness. But there are just some truly vapid talentless pricks out there, that you maybe meet as a naive teenager, who have always been cringe but have no idea how funny their attempts at songs are. Music really does heal in very wild ways sometimes. Ask me for the link, it’s like a brutal parody, pure car crash and it’s very very cathartic to genuinely laugh in the face of your rapist.

Also stay the fuck away from people who think speaking your truth is being dramatic or openly sharing struggles is being miserable. Nothing and nobody is perfect and it would be dull if it was. We’re all shit at times but to grow and be kind with ourselves and others has to start with us being honest about the depths of who we are, what we feel, think, want. And we have to push past comfort to really thrive and take responsibility for our actions. But also to talk about difficult stuff in any detail you have to have got to a certain point in healing yourself from the hurts of it all. To be in your joyful times you have to face all the crappy ones. I’ve never appreciated good times more than I do now, I’m living a life I always wanted to build and it can be hard but it’s worth it all.

Crack yourself wide open like a nut and butter the world with yer alchemy.

And for anyone who’s been following my recent chat, I still haven’t officially heard from the doctor. Lost count but sure it’s been 3 whole months. I’m so glad for women who break the rules or I’d still be anxiously waiting to see if I then needed to wait on a scan to then find out if etc etc…that’s a whole other rant about protecting the NHS and not treating public services like assets to strip for cronies’ gains.

Some of the stuff I made on the beach and my travels will no doubt show up on here soon enough, I’ve still to develop the film and all that stuff. This week I’m catching up on edits, trying to schedule some posts about all the work I’ve been doing (swearing at fuckin apps), along with a couple of shoots. In the meantime, a very lucky little beach witch is sending you all some good times x

sometimes you’ve just got to get your hands dirty and get stuck in about doing the work

And to think not that long ago I was banging on about nearly dying choking on toilet roll…

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On Friday I went full scale private detective and just kept calling different folks at the hospital to try to find a number for someone who’d give me my blood test results. It’s been over 2 months and I couldn’t really face the thought of another full weekend with no way to try to chase it up. I’ve got a busy week of work this week and no time to meltdown about it all. The consultant’s secretary’s line is just always an answerphone. Eventually I got another consultant’s secretary who very kindly broke the rules for me and found my results. The marker in my blood has reduced (not quite to the healthy level but low enough to know it’s not cancer). She said it could be another couple of week’s before the consultant writes to me to explain but for now it’s good enough. All the emotions, ooooft. I had to go for a run along the prom and coast path to give the mussel a wee stroke (hey now, it’s a sculpture at musselburgh beach) and back again.

I’m a very self reliant person but the thought of having cancer and all the treatments, how to look after my boy and everything on top of the stuff that’s been going on just felt too much for a while. Could still do with a healthy nap to get over that wild pandemic, to be honest. My energy has been stinking so I’ve been hiding.

I’ve had a lot of days in bed, missed some fun things I wanted to do cos I just needed to lie down in the dark. And of course literally everyone I know, even folks who don’t like music, have been out at gigs while I was lying in the dark. I missed Beyonce, The Boss, Interpol, Le Tigre, Hidden Door, Primavera but I hope you all had a great time and that’s not even sarcastic. I only had Hidden Door tickets so I’m being a bit dramatic but still. It was a wee kick in the ass to figure out ways of getting out of my head and into my body that don’t involve being in a crowd. Hence the attempts to run (my red face, hair and nails clash when I do vigorous exercise and it’s a vibe), getting in the sea again, amongst other things.

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Then there’s the fear of men thing (here we go, she’s on her pure lying on a therapist’s sofa chat). It kind of mutated while I was feeling so down into this deep guttural anger that I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. But then two mad things happened (weirdly, about the consultant I originally saw and rapey Richy) that made the anger boil over and made me laugh my ass off. I got to thinking what if it’s not men I’m afraid of all the time but sometimes it’s my own fucking boundless potential because of how men I’ve known had treated me. (I donno how to add the fingernail emoji but just imagine it’s here, This is the bit where you punch the air, give me a wee clap, holler ‘yaas, bitch’ or whatever). Maybe I get really small, try to hide my weird neurodivergent stuff and hold on to questions and get frustrated with myself. Hmmm…

There’s also all the judgements around women who openly talk about male violence which informs the anger. It feels like a lot of people find it way easier to label us as difficult, mentally ill, covert narcissists, man haters, doormats, a bit stupid, demanding, jealous, fantasists, uncouth for airing dirty laundry etc than to hold the men accountable. Everyone thinks they know your business in a small city, even though we all carry these old versions of each other around that have no baring on who folks are now. Except abusive men don’t seem to evolve at all. Their situations change but not their behaviours. And nobody gives a shit unless it’s them at the end of the abuse. That makes places like here feel so small and suffocating at times. I’ve had strangers DM me to find out on a scale of 1-10 just how abusive an ex was as their friend was dating him. Zero fucks for how that question might affect me. And I bet if I had a partner they’d back off because they all see women as objects to own. Fucking seething again going down this train of thought…like how women just know it’s easier to get rid of unwanted attention by saying you have a boyfriend over just saying fuck off, you creepy prick.

I love men. I’m a tomboy, I’ve always loved time and conversations with groups of men over with groups of women. I prefer solo time with female pals, the conversation is always very different to how it is in groups. But I’ve had too many heartbreaking conversations with women lately. I know there’s some kind of art project brewing about it that will feel cathartic, just need to process the cancer whitey first and then it will surface, no doubt.

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Tanatsei Gambura, ECA degree show

Frankie Egan, ECA degree show

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I had been wondering if me openly unravelling all of this messy human stuff was just harming myself but I think it’s the healthiest and sexiest thing I’ve ever done.

I figure those who agree will stick around and those that don’t leave space and time for others. So long as I hold some gratitude for it all I’m good. I’m coming through the other side of it all but it’s not an exaggeration to say it’s felt like a fuckin dark night of the soul round my gaff lately.

But sometimes you’ve just got to get your hands dirty and get stuck in about doing the work. To really let all that stuff go you have to wade through it and I feel fucking great now. Hopefully it stays that way for a while. I’ve been thinking of lots of juicy transmutations for the anger and becoming so aware of all the things just allows you to process them and grow.

Above: top: Alex Osborn (ECA degree show), Eduardo Paulozzi, Alberta Whittle, bottom: Eileen Agar, Alberta Whittle, Marina Abramovic, Salvador Dali.

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I’m trying to organise my time better to catch up a bit for the time in bed. And when I fail I’ll remind myself that time as we use it is a relative concept invented to make us all work for the man. Going to try scheduling in some work posts on instagram and the like with the app I pay for and never use so I’m not on there wasting time consuming endless ads. This week coming is a busy work week with a couple of portrait sessions, finishing up a brand commission and a road trip north too.

I’ll write a bit more on lost and found soon for the hardcore goths and the folks who find my rambling touches a nerve.

First, my chat about all the glimmers and treats I’ve been finding to be gentle with myself - basically getting high on art, rolling about in sand and on grass, hugging my boy extra tight, taking in the small things and big old rants with pals. I spent the rest of this weekend visiting the degree show, the modern galleries, getting a cheeky discount on camisoles at Herman Brown, ranting with a couple of pals and worshipping the sunrise at the end of my street with just a very early metal detector guy and the birds around. I’m so lucky to be right here and I’m glad I’ve figured out healthy ways to fill myself up when I’m struggling so I don’t feel like getting on the sauce. I still find ways to self medicate but they work better for me than booze ever did. Sitting about drinking is boring as fuck after a while, it always just made the minx in me want to break into stuff and get a bit too lairy as some of you will recall. Not really things that help get anxiety out of your system but I’ve got a load of ways to do that these days. Some of them I need you to come with me though.

x

We Have A Code Red Situation

Right right right, not to be too dramatic but we have a code red situation. It’s even a kind of double difficulty.

This last couple of months has been excruciating. I’ve been waiting to hear about some big life stuff on top of processing all the yadda yadda stuff, learning more about ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria and how much people pleasing has played its part in those dark things that have happened to me.

At the start of April I was recalled to Gynaecology at the hospital. Turns out that shit consultant I moaned about at the time (over a year ago when I was bleeding out after getting the covid vaccines - he told me I must have been reading conspiracy theories on Mumsnet, I mean, know yer audience, pal) hadn’t followed up the fact that there were markers in my blood that could indicate ovarian cancer.

Yup. So when he said he didn’t want to send me for the scan my GP requested because ‘if I send you for that scan then old Doris doesn’t get hers and what if she has cancer.’ I sincerely hope he didn’t scare Doris off from getting that scan. It’s up to a torturous 8 week wait for the blood test result. That’s a very long time. As a single parent you find yourself begging the universe for good news so your kid doesn’t have to go through seeing you get treatment or worse. It feels fucking tough right now. Even just getting your head around the idea that as a freelancer and solo parent, how would you deal with the logistics of treatment and looking after your kid. But I’m trying not to dwell. I’ve been on operating tables before, I’ve nearly died a few times and I’m pretty good at dissociating so I’m sure if it’s shit news I’ll get through it. It’s how you do that for yourself and reassure a wee kid that I’m struggling with when I think about it all potentially being crap news.

And this all kicked off at the same time that I realised I am literally terrified of men, even ones I feel safe around and want to spend time with, I’ll either freeze up with mad anxiety or avoid spending time with them at all right now. Turns out the nasty part of getting through all the shite men stuff is that you start to remember so many specific things that you buried and you have all these difficult conversations with other women so basically nowhere feels safe from these bams. Like fuck can they keep my swagger, though. I just need to take my time to find enough of a sense of safety that the panic dissipates. But that’s also tricky cos apparently rapists like to be in Edinburgh in the summer and you aren’t meant to lynch them.

I’ve always struggled with the feeling like I’m a burden. And here’s what this ramble is really all about. I’m sure other folks who had no idea they were neurodivergent for a long time have gone through the realisation that you aren’t too much or too intense or whatever, you are just fucking neurodivergent. I see myself starting to isolate from folks cos it doesn’t feel like a fair thing to be asking for attention when your mental health is in the toilet and you have this huge thing hanging over you, I appreciate we’ve all got shit to deal with. But that’s usually when you need people the most. Meh. I’ve had days when I’ve been really focussed on making daft art to distract myself, I’ve been pushing forward with work changes that had been in the back of my mind for a while but there’s nothing like a cancer scare to really make you face what is and isn’t working for you. Some days have been really hard going. It just feels like there’s a replacement bus service and it’s taking a really shit route.

So looking for the positives and all that, it’s really made me look at all the things I do with my time. If you’ve ever seen The Twilight Sad live you’ll know James Graham’s onstage patter is incredibly honest and always filled with gratitude. I saw them a few months ago and he spoke about how real success in life is having time for the things and the people that fill you up and that’s why he’s always so vocal about being grateful when they play. And he’s right. I love that I have managed to build a wee life for me and my kid off the back of my creativity. I don’t take that for granted in any way. I know so many incredibly talented people who struggle to make any money out of their art and I feel like a fraud for pulling it off through shooting lots of weddings.

But at the same time, I’ve been working for myself shooting mostly weddings since I was pregnant and my kid will be 10 this summer. To even do an average of a couple of weddings a month over the year you tend to have to shoot a heap of them over summer as it all slows down and there’s way less work in winter. So effectively you are missing all the sunny times and working solidly through the holidays, you are working when everyone else is socialising. Then you are twiddling your thumbs over the bleak months. And as a single person coming to terms with some shady past experiences to spend nearly every weekend (or over the last couple of years some months I was shooting 8 or 9 weddings) in that heightened emotional environment, hearing all these lovely vulnerable things about partnerships and love and to go home alone every night after them for like a decade is not so great for your mental health!

This year I’ve way less wedding work than usual and I’m putting some limits on the number of jobs I take on in the future. I’m still here for them just not in such high doses. And I’m still doing the Elopement Society stuff but I’m also simplifying things there as I’d put myself under financial and time pressure to promote other people’s work. I really need to focus on me and what I want. And that is time with good people, it’s getting into some good trouble, making art and collaborating, dancing at gigs, being on the beach for some summer, making happy memories for my son before he’s a teenager and too busy to hang out with me.

I’m a bit nervous about pulling away the financial safety net a bit but I’m also very excited to see where things go with my photography work. I’ve been doing way more portraiture and some brand commissions lately which I really enjoy, bring me all of those, please. And there’s a something with my personal work coming at some point once I’ve wiped all the shite off the fan.

So yeah, everything has my anxiety off the charts, I don’t want to burden anyone cos I know we all have our shit going on and I also really need people but am exhausted. A great cycle of social terror going round in circles in my head right now. Ppppft, heavy isn’t it? I’m not very good at asking for help but I need adventures, I need hugs, I need music, I need good folks around. And the anxiety stuff all just takes time I guess so bring me all your kindness and patience, please. I’ll keep trying my best to be present. And I think I share all of this stuff cos I don’t see any shame in it, life isn’t all good times but I’m also not a negative person. You have to face the past to get past it or whatever the saying is. Que sera sera and all that. I’ll stop grumbling now but for real, what the actual fuck, eh? I feel like I’m always just on here for a piss and moan but actually I feel lighter from just typing it so maybes it’s ok. I will regain my funny wee guy status one day soon. Law of averages says I’m due some big laughs.

Thank you to the handful of folk I’ve been talking to about this. I wasn’t sure it was something I should share but fuck it, I’m bored of wandering about with my face tripping me. Wish me luck in the rest of the wait cos I could lose it (and if I do, I hope I go for the fur coat and fags on a swan pedalo vibes, I reckon I could pull that off as ‘just a bit eccentric’) x

LADS, THERE’S BEEN A PERFECT STORM

…well, maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.

No word of a lie, I nearly died choking on a raggy bit of toilet paper I accidentally inhaled while blowing my nose and I was like, well fuck it, you can literally die trying to keep yer nose clean so now I’m going to just do whatever.

Since then I’ve moved out of my very expensive and lonely studio space, sorted closing my wee online store, I’ve had a (pretty much) secret birthday and really enjoyed a migraine, started getting petty and snide whenever anyone who I don’t want around annoys me so nothing crazy but I feel great. Yet to rob a bank but give me time…

“I must change my life so I can live it, not wait for it.”

— Susan Sontag

I get annoyed with myself for all sorts of things, mostly for the way my brain can’t really prioritise so instead I’m constantly aware of every single thing that needs doing to be a functioning adult. It’s noisy in there. I start mumbling about pandering to the machine and wishing I could go and laugh my ass off on some moss. Some of the stuff we need to do just cos we’re alive so it means we owe folks money is wild isn’t it? And while the French are setting fire to everything we’re just sitting about moaning.

In my own wee world I’m doing a consolidation dance cos I had given myself too many plates to spin and it feels really good to start to see the space. From this weekend, I’ve got a rare 6 days in a row kid and paid work free to get some of the ideas that have been bubbling away actually made so I’m looking forward to losing my mind when I can’t get things to work the way I’d like or I break the one bit of kit that brings it all together. Come and distract me so I can blame you for my procrastination (best put in a disclaimer: if you are someone I want to see). Trying not to overcomplicate things, which I tend to do but I have some other ideas I’ll be sharing with folks soon. Speaking of which, I knackered my neck from trying to lift heavy as fuck furniture and ended up with a migraine. The opiates and anti-nausea medication had me in a wee writing frenzy from nowhere, a whole day of frantic typing and then a nap, type and nap. It was a very enjoyable mix of physical pain and emotional joy. Said like a true masochist.

So yeah, I recommend nearly dying choking on toilet roll. I’m now focussed on using magic and sarcasm to steer me towards my dreams. This year has been nuts for me, I’m getting a handle on a lot of things I’ve never really faced up to before and it feels good but there are still stumbling blocks, I still find myself on guard when I don’t want to be or questioning my abilities. I realised I still very much communicate as if I’m a burden to people instead of being direct about what I want and need. Finding my baws and giving them a wee feel all the time.

My birthday was wholesome fun this year (as a vampire I lost interest in birthdays many moons ago), just me and my son, eating fried stuff outside on the beach, visiting our favourite places in East Lothian, being pals with nature, moaning at the crap vinyl in the charity shops of North Berwick. We were outside for 10 hours on the bounce which is the first time this year we’d been able to do that and it felt so good we’ve done it again since with pals. We’re so lucky to have all these beautiful beaches right by our home. Eating way too many chips though.

I had lunch (no chips) recently with a pal who always gets me thinking about things, she’s very good at gently pushing me towards the creative work I’m always flapping about instead of just getting on with. We were talking about the old saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and I think in some ways it’s actually how I always end up communicating. I don’t really compare my photography work to my peers that much cos I’m too much of a space cadet to pay attention to anyone else but I tend to try to connect to folks by talking about my own experiences that relate to their chat as a way of saying I get what they’re on about. And I think through comparison I’ve also learned loads about my own unhealthy cycles of behaviour to be aware not to fall into them again and to notice the differences in situations.

Conversation thread curve but I also found yet another Natasha Lyonne podcast interview (she’s my religion) also talking about creativity and collaborative work. She spoke about how she’s found her work is now mostly just play with her friends that evolves into bigger ideas and projects. There’s also chat about how we should all just play more like we did as kids and how much easier we are around each other before the world jades us all out. I love that bit of getting to know someone new where you can’t yet tell if they’re totally taking the piss or stone cold serious so you both end up throwing some curves to test the water. I wish we all just played like kids more. I think we all spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking or doing and we gatekeep ourselves too much and just be a weirdo cos seeing how weirdo (I’m not talking charles manson weird) brains work is the best. So I think I just contradicted myself once again there but we’re all multitudes eh

Since my unglamourous near departure I’ve promised myself to stop beating myself up about my faults, to stop letting people mess with my psychology and to just be the full scale five foot one and a half legend that I am. Just vent and then get back to living the dream. Remember we’re floating in space and nobody will care what Japandi means or what Elon Musk is doing with his blue tick when the world blows up so live laugh love and all that. Choose smut and shambolic decadence, maybe some sleepy chaos.

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LET’S SHOOT THE SHIT

Portraits, brand images, event photos, you know the deal…

get in touch

“Won’t you visit my studio and let me perpetuate your personality?”

Hi lads,

Back to the grind. Playtime is over, no more pissing about this year, mind…

I was quite chuffed that Santa managed to pull off a lo-fi quiet Christmas for the wean and I seeing as we were trapped in the flat for most of the last couple of weeks of school with all the germs. My kid gave me nits and a chest infection for Xmas. We checked one out under the microscope he got from Santa, weirdly hypnotic wee fellas.

Being bored in the flat finally made me sort out my little darkroom cupboard and get back to printing some black and white images. It’s been so long my chemicals had all rotted but I’d forgotten how you have to count the seconds and it keeps you present, tunes on (getting lost when the BPM and the red light seconds counter are off kilter with each other) I really enjoy the gentle process…I’d been putting it off for a very long time because I kept overwhelming myself with ideas and all the cameras but then once I got in about it I remembered that I can only process 35mm negatives and I’ve only got black and white paper and chemicals so maybes I just need some constraints then I’m off…

I’ve started shooting some self portraits and exploring my autonomy, getting back in touch with my flesh. Not to keep dropping trauma turds all over the internet but folks who follow my @solornothing page have probably noticed me grappling with seeing and expressing myself as someone with wants and desires for some time now. Or maybes it just looks like a horny midlife crisis, I donno. Maybes it’s both. Anyways, I’m slowly scratching my way out of some time in solitary confinement. Maybe I’ll write elsewhere about my experiences in more detail but for now I want to stick to dancing in the darkroom and let some of the noisy ideas loose and see where it takes me, reaping all that has been sown so far and all that.

I think the realisation you are neurodivergent as an adult is as liberating as it is frustrating. I’ve always been a bit all or nothing in relationships and that's definitely been taken advantage of a times. It’s strange to think I might not have been through some of the tougher experiences if I’d known when I was younger the huge part that often plays in emotions, thinking and behaviours. So I’m taking time to be kind to myself and hope that I can still be me but with some stronger boundaries to keep things healthier. All of these explorations are helping me to find out.

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The best part of wedding shoots is connecting with people in their genuine big feelings but I’ve never tried that on myself before. Most of my work is sharing and recording other peoples’ vulnerable moments. I always learn something from the couples and the celebrants I work with, who are just the best storytellers. We’ll share more of that good stuff this year. I’ve a heap of things from last year to share and a bunch of admin to catch up on and I’ll get there one of these days. Wedding work starts for me on the last weekend of the month, with a tiny wedding for a couple of absolute legends so I’ll no doubt be a complete emotional wreck but we’re going to have a dance in the street and good times.

I owe Hannah a huge thank you, not only for making sense of all my work for the new website last year but also for masquerading as me on my wedding work page and the elopement society socials for most of the last few months of last year. I had a bit of a burnout at the end of wedding work season after having the big neurodivergent realisation along with some nasty past experiences deciding I needed to deal with them all at once. I was pretty work shy, overwhelmed and triggered to fuck but I feel like I’ve managed to get past it all and the year has started with some big laughs and lots of germs and ideas. This year I’m just doing stuff before I can overthink it all away and you can hold me to that, if you want to.

Anyways, from now on Hannah will be concentrating on The Elopement Society online as we build a bunch more connections with some local creatives and charitable organisations that support independent artists. We’ve so many ideas and collaborations to get to work on. I struggle so much with the wedding industry sheen, the whole ‘best day ever’ glossy pressure and I think we’re all skint and doing things the same way as everyone else is hella boring so maybes it’s time that we do things differently. Mostly we’ll be over here with our chat and sending our subscribers some patter and treats. You should join the mailing list if you haven’t already.

“Our whole ethos is centred on supporting local independent brands and creatives who have a strong sustainability practice, reminding couples that you don’t have to have a ‘wedding’ but you can get married however you want. There’s so many preconceived notions of what a wedding is and fuck those guys, just be you and do things in a way that represent your story together so it has some meaning and value.”

Local couples can use the spaces they hang out in on their wedding day, it doesn’t have to be a huge wildly expensive thing to be beautiful and special if you don’t want it to be. We work with loads of overseas couples who have a connection to Scotland who want to elope here and we offer an alternative to the well travelled jaunt to the beautiful highlands cos there’s beautiful spaces all over our wee country and in our local neighbourhoods. So, for now, our focus is on Edinburgh and East Lothian mainly cos I love to shoot there and it feels like home. We list our ideas as packages just to take the stress out of figuring out where to begin once you let those preconceptions go but we tailor every elopement and small wedding to suit our couples, they’re just a serving suggestion to whet yer appetite. More about all that stuff coming soon for all the new engaged folks discovering us on the internet.

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I’ve started this year feeling very restless, I’m itching for some laughs and adventures.

I had fun shooting some portrait jobs at the end of the year and I’d love to do more of them this year. I always try to shoot some pre-wedding couples portraits with the folks who’ve got me following them around all day and their weddings. I also do a little bit of family portraiture and some promo and editorial shots now and again but those mostly tend to be on the move much like my events work. I’d like to slow things down and do more studio based stuff to mix things up a bit and to get the lighting gear out.

I have some time in February to play. So pals looking for collaborative shoots or needing portraits, get in touch.

There I go, trying to avoid sitting still already…

Speak again soon xx

Oh, and the ““Won’t you visit my studio and let me perpetuate your personality?” quote is from the first female photographer to get her own studio in Hollywood. She worked with MGM, with final approval and credit for all her images, styled Garbo and Joan Crawford all in her twenties.

You have to die a few times to really live

Firstly, a huge thank you to the folks who made orders with our wee online store over November, we’ve made our donation to Refuweegee in your honour. Last day for postage for the year is Wednesday 14th. Solidarity to everyone out there having to strike.

One of my proper oversharing is caring rants so take a deep breath. This time last year I had my usual fuck all invites to do anything festive. Folks don’t know what to do with a socially awkward sober single self-employed solo parent old weirdo nightmare at the best of times and that’s ok. As is always the remedy, I took myself to a couple of gigs and I decided to make something for myself with my time instead of being grumpy wee shite. I made myself mad uncomfortable by videoing myself dancing in my pants and turned it into a flipbook and it was the best fun experience because I hadn’t made anything tangible in a very long time. 2021 was my busiest year of wedding work to date and so I’d just been chasing my tail with editing and never having time to hang out with anyone or take my kid on adventures. He was with his other family for xmas last year but I had a fucking great time to myself, watching Snowbeast, Die Hard (festive) and Goodfellas and fucking the social norms that say you have to behave in certain ways and wear a fucking stupid paper hat and eat dry meat that nobody has a bar off any other time of year, what’s the deal with the eating turkeys? I’m not a total grumble demon, I just think we should make our own traditions out of things that we love instead of blindly following everyone else.

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Looking back on how uncomfortable I felt making that flipbook makes me really happy as I feel this year I no longer give a flying fuck about a lot of insecurities I had this time last year. Taps aff, tits oot, sober dancing amongst other personal revelations. Aaaw, look at me in ma big girl pants, risen like a phoenix from the ashes and that, bless. I recently said some people are so delicious you can’t help but let them burst open your darkness and just hope they stick around long enough to help you clean up the mess. I didn’t expect it to burst out of me like a bomb the last few months but there you go. I’ve been a lot more open lately about some difficult experiences in the past that have held back my confidence. There’s days in bed being a bit Brian Wilson to let it all go. The wee radge version of me that has been dormant since I stopped drinking is rising to have my back so nae shite, thanks. Big old realisations about healthy anger and the like. I’m still a bit easily startled compared to the bravado in my brains but heading in the right direction. I’m lucky to have you tasty creeps around, the old energy is definitely clearing so I hope I’m in a fit state to share my gratitude soon. Working on some ideas.

All of these things come down to connecting with great folks, making myself communicate about things I want and don’t want, although I get a bit carried away sometimes. People are weird eh? I know I’m a bit dramatic and exhausting for sure. There’s plenty folks who love to see you doing ok but hate it when you start to do great. (Popped that one in to give the frenemies a beamer, you’re welcome, bitches.) Best to focus on the places where you feel safe, nourished and challenged to keep going and exploring. Gratitude for the good ones, I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you people that offer me safe spaces and all the good things.

“You have to die a few times to really live.”

— Charles Bukowski

I’m excited to be making new connections to artists whose work I love and am inspired by. I am forever in awe of folks who have proper disciplined process when it comes to creating, for me it’s a shambles of torture until something daft pops out to take the edge off my pure goth existential whitey. I’ve started trying to hone my inner radge into a kind of Begbie that gives me shit for letting the overwhelm take over so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t always figure out ways to get the difficult feelings and memories out in creative ways like I think I should to torch them. Maybe for now they’re meant to come out in more straightforward ways for me and I’m just meant to play and say fuck you to all that stuff by finding some sexy joy in creating and letting go instead of looking backward.

I know lots of people who have a bunch of stuff they rarely talk about. You can see my ranting and raving on my not wedding work instagram (@solornothing) where I try to push myself to just share stuff and be a bit braver. I’ve had a lot of heavy rants with folks recently. Bottling nasty stuff up just holds us back from really living but there’s no point in getting stuck in it either.

I was having a wee maudlin time to myself this week after facing some of the tough stuff but I dragged myself away from my misery pit and went to a couple of gigs. Music is the best drug. The power of dancing with strangers and getting rattled by the bass through the pa (cos us short asses are always down the front next to the pa or up the back moaning about one of you tall fuckers standing right in front of us just as the band start) is transformative. I slowly murder my playlists by listening to them till it gets painful and then start all over again but I think I was exact same with tapes when I was wee. My flat is full of instruments I don’t know how to play. It makes sense that I’ve been reconnecting with folks who I know through my days working at gigs this year cos I’m greedy for the tunes. It’s one of the few ways that really helps me to get out of my head and into my body which I really need to focus on more.

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If you struggle at this time of year for any reason my solid pal advice for you (I’ve got my hand on your shoulder if you need a wee visual) switch off from all the bullshit happy family narratives that claim buying folks loads of crap is the best way to express love and go and create something. Or just reach for your favourite vice and get tore in, whatever works, what do I know, I don’t even have whisky to turn to so give me a break. 

We all know that abusive people love to kick up shit at this time of year for maximum effect while we’re all being force-fed the happy big family around the table stories so don’t be a dick.

All the hugs and dances and rest, merry gents

xxx

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The Store

Joy As An Act Of Resistance, Who's In?

Thank you to everyone for the lovely feedback about the new website. It feels good to have something out there that’s a bit more representative of me and different types of photography work I like to do. There’s a big shift happening for me and this has been a really useful place to start. The whole process of working with Hannah has been amazing. She’s brilliant. Although, we have tangent rants a lot. She’s one of those folks who is incredibly encouraging and also just gently nudges you to be a bit braver, to charge the going rate for work instead of giving my time and ideas away...

She’s also helped me to just face the fact I’m more than likely to have ADHD. That’s led me to some massive learning about myself, how my brain works (and doesn’t) and how much of a hard time I can give myself for not progressing ideas for projects that aren’t paid jobs. It’s been really liberating. I had no idea about many of the different facets of how ADHD can affect daily life and my behaviours and awful memory make so much sense. It’s a total confidence booster to figure out you aren’t just a lazy procrastinating forgetful bastard but that your brain just doesn’t work in the linear ways that capitalism wants it to. Power to the divergents and all that. 

I’ve had the best time this year. It’s been a wild ride. I’ve been an emotionally overwhelmed wreck a lot of it but trying not to be a total people pleasing doormat has freed up some space in my brain and time to hang out with the folks who’ve been there for the rants and the dances so it’s been fun. I’ve also been working mostly on my own at weddings this year for the first time really. I’ve shot weddings for around a decade and mostly had someone with me for the full days but after restrictions last year changed things, I just ended up mostly flying solo. There’s no decompressing from the lovely intensity of it all on the drives home, belting out bangers in the car with Alix. So I’ve been really conscious of how much I’ve missed that but also I’ve started to explore using film again so it’s been a great learning experience. I genuinely have the best clients, always such generous and lovely folks to hang out with so I’m really lucky. 

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my wild year. I feel like I’m growing exponentially and it’s a wild ride. It feels good to find a little confidence to explore autonomy over myself and the parts of me that I maybe haven’t looked after very well for a long time.

I’ve witnessed the most amazing connections between people through my work and beautiful combinations of different traditions.  I know I often bang on about it but it really does just amaze me to see it. I shot my last wedding job of the year and the last covid postponement early in November. What a wonder of a wee team in the face of adversity those folks are. And it’s not just the couples I work with, sometimes it’s witnessing the most amazing family bonds too. I don’t have any living siblings and I find it fascinating to watch how they can come together and support each other in the roughest of circumstances. It’s alchemy to see all the ways folks are there for each other. After that day at work I sat on the sofa with my kid and my dad listening to music till midnight (ooft, wee guy was a riot the next day). My dad has just got into streaming, got all French about Jacques Dutronc, says his lyrics aren’t just words, they’re a philosophy. Good times. 

November has been pretty much fighting my body’s deep wish to hibernate. The seasonal affective disorder is a beast this year. I also invented an Amelie inspired flirtation with a recycling bin that I realised was more romantic and enjoyable than my past relationships with actual human men so it’s been a time. Winter is always a bastard and I hate most things about xmas so I’m making sure I make time for those lush friends and folks who make me feel enriched. I’m making time to do the things that make me feel full. Mostly that’s either using the tiny bits of freetime I’ve got to chase (booze-free) debauchery or sometimes it’s gentle art feasts, getting out and about creeping with old film cameras and swearing in the dark with chemicals. I can highly recommend hanging out on the beach in a mad cloak based on a costume from the second worst film of all time and eating crisps with the crows for a life affirming start to yer day.

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Anyways, some work things I should be taking about instead of this self indulgent pish… 

The Store

All profits from sales on our store for the rest of November will be donated to Refuweegee. If you can, please help us to support local makers and this amazing charity by purchasing some of our tactile beauty.

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The Elopement Society

We’ve got some exciting new East Lothian elopement and wee wedding news coming in the new year so get in touch if you might want to elope or have a tiny wedding by the beach/in the woods/with delicious things.

Before all the tantruming billionaires kill social media, we’re also working on some old school lo-fi ways of staying in touch which will also push me to do all the personal work stuff I just bashed out a bit of bravado about. I’m just saying this so that Hannah holds me accountable for it in a couple of months when I’ve forgotten. Also to try to tempt you into joining our mailing list so we can be pen pals. 

Our brand new Edinburgh wee wedding package for seafood lovers is a banger (although not in the sausage sense I don’t think) so we’ll be hollering out that very soon too. 

What’s the bets it takes me 6 months to actually call the doctor for an ADHD test referral…anyways much love as always, stay nourished and cosy cos it’s rough out there xx

Words: IMHO Everyone is Nuts

The way I see it everyone is nuts. Most folks have boring patterns of pedestrian madness, you can predict it coming every time. Avoid these fuckers at all costs.

Let shit be what it is and make space for the folks bursting with the unique naughty good kinds of insanity. Here’s to all you juicy magic delicious partners in crime and rantings 😘

I hope you enjoyed my ted talk.

This is not the ‘about me’ info you are looking for

OK, so I’ve probably been holding back from this big old rant because it’s gonna be brutally honest and it makes me feel vulnerable but I just need to find my baws and bash on because it is totally honest and there’s no wee ‘oh hey, I love pizza and beach walks’ bullshit that really matches just spewing out the truth so you can really see who you get when you work with me. I ask you to be your authentic self in front of my scary camera lens so I’m gonna do the same here…grab a tea, this will take a while…

I’m currently sitting at a very different place for me than ever before. I’ve come out of the other side of total burn out - work-wise, mentally, physically too. I’m doing a lot of reassessing, figuring out what my honest goals and wants are, looking at the big picture. The last 3 years have been a proper rollercoaster and I’m gonna overshare about that in the hope that it maybe explains who I am a bit more honestly.

3 years ago my kid’s dad and I split after a very unhealthy and unhappy time. I’m pretty sure I went through undiagnosed post natal depression. I’d had to have a planned C Section because of previous surgeries and my milk didn’t ever come in although I spent the first couple of months of my kid’s life attached to breast pumps while trying to project manage a renovation and keep my business going from my mum’s spare room. I grew very resentful of my body which I’ve never had much confidence about but now I didn’t have any in it’s abilities either.

I left that situation with incredibly low self esteem, lots of unnatural anxieties and stress, I’d lost sight of who I am and was working at avoiding dealing with anything. Initially, I felt a huge sense of relief paired with a bunch of anger at some of the fallout and isolation I found myself dealing with. I felt pretty lost and I was also stuck in the house we’d renovated for around a year afterward, surrounded by failure and memories I was desperate to move on from, while we had a ridiculous and incredibly stressful legal battle. That winter my kid had recurring and terrifying nosebleeds, waking up covered in blood and needed blood tests for Leukemia and all sorts. Thankfully, he was fine. It was not a relaxing time, everything was feeding my fear of loss.

The following year my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and began chemo. This was sandwiched by my dad having emergency treatments in hospital. I shot a whole heap of wonderful weddings that kept me going but I was struggling to keep up with all the other parts of running a business. I shot 10 weddings in the 6 weeks between selling our old house, buying a new flat and packaging up/unpacking with the ‘help’ of a 3 year old. Then, a few months later, just after my mum’s treatment ended with positive results we lost our friend, Scott, to suicide.

“I’d sometimes sink into a dark place and either isolate myself or go out and get wrecked and lost being busy with work or whatever else I could do to avoid just feeling those feelings. However, this time around I didn’t have the choice. All of the things that had happened all hit me at once and I just buckled underneath them all.”

I really lost it when he was missing. Kind pals drove me around the coast road trying to find him, texting some pals who were doing the same, desperately hoping it wouldn’t turn out to be true. He had been there for me over the last wee while and was honest, hilarious, cheeky as fuck and supportive despite his own struggles. He means a great deal to me and many of my pals. I have never allowed myself to grieve before. I suppressed most negative emotions. I’d sometimes sink into a dark place and either isolate myself or go out and get wrecked and lost being busy with work or whatever else I could do to avoid just feeling those feelings. However, this time around I didn’t have the choice. All of the things that had happened all hit me at once and I just buckled underneath them all. I had really pushed my own resilience past my limit. Being a self employed solo parent pushed me into asking for and accepting the help I needed. I had to be ok, I had no choice other than to face everything and work through it. And it has saved my life and is making me a happier, stronger and more confident person. I’ve learnt so much from these past few years.

Therapy has taught me so much about myself, my patterns and where they came from. I’ve always struggled to really feel my emotions in my body, if that makes sense. I have had suspected Crohn’s disease in the past which lead to several emergency operations. Those happened at a time of great stress. Since therapy, I can feel when there are knots in my stomach, tension in my back and neck. I notice when I’m clenching my jaw. I hadn’t really been very aware of that before except when I was very ill with Crohn’s. I’d tried very much to avoid it. Sea swimming was a wee epiphany for that. I’ll go on about that in more detail soon.

While I started therapy and had to allow myself to sit with and experience all those negatives I was still trying to work, get my kid sorted for his first year at school (not lose it too hard in front of him), and work as best I could. I talked a lot to friends. I am lucky to have some very very good friends. But most of the time I spent with them involved sitting in my favourite bar drinking too much wine as I wept through my feelings and stories. Acting like a real prick to someone kind when I’d had too much to drink one evening earlier this year made me realise just how unhealthy some of my ways of coping or unwinding had become. I think we can all be guilty of allowing what start as fun ways of de-stressing to become unhealthy and toxic patterns. That just helps us avoid negative feelings instead of processing them and seeing that they too are transient and hold value. I’m going to write more soon about how much I’m loving finding some self confidence and feeling more present through being sober.

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It’s not an easy process going through therapy and some times it is dark as hell and quite lonely. But I would recommend it to everyone. We all carry so much crap around with us, which we project onto those we love or we people please or we isolate or overcompensate or fall into habits, addictions or have thought patterns that are unhealthy and hold us back from really living. I’d say to anyone struggling with anything, whether it feels like a small recurring thing that niggles at you or you know you have some brutal trauma that you haven’t worked through, ask for and accept the help you need. It won’t be easy but you will never regret it. Research, read up about your feelings and experiences, learn that you aren’t alone in any way, challenge the patterns you rely on, talk to people you trust, change your experiences, process why you feel shame for just being human, give yourself time and rest to process it all gently, don’t pressure yourself to think whatever it is will resolve instantly. Don’t put it off until you reach crisis point. Therapy can be preventative, confidence building and explorative, it’s not just for those in the real shit.

“When I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get back up and say, ‘Damn, that really hurt but this is important to me and I’m going in again’ my gut reaction is, ‘what a badass’.””

— Brene Brown

That quote above, I read it recently and I thought ‘I love that and those kinds of people, I totally agree’ but didn’t even think to apply it to myself. So i’ve written this and now maybe I can!! I hope I don’t sound like some smug preachy asshole, I very much don’t feel like one. I’m saying all of this because the whole process has made me reassess everything, including my work. it has made me face most of my deepest fears and I’m still here. Not perfect but growing, accepting and trying. I am also still guilty of sometimes sabotaging myself and holding back. I want to involve the positives I’ve learnt in my work, to grow communities, to share the dark so we can really value and enjoy the light. It all goes to inform how I live and work. Tiny changes. Here’s my manifesto for the future.

I want to share as I rebuild - I want to keep exploring my own creative voice. I won’t reduce myself for anyone - I am not too much and I don’t feel too much. I am passionate about the things I love and that is a wonderful thing. I want to enjoy my work and to feel really enlivened by and grateful for all my shared experiences. I want to keep sharing the hard stuff incase it helps support someone else in kick starting whatever they’re blocking themselves from. I’ll keep on sharing my experiences and lessons with honesty, try to quit sabotaging myself, manage my time in healthy ways. I’m gonna keep on talking about having body confidence, trying to live in a more sustainable and kind way, what I’m learning from the self care my therapist and experiences are teaching me, the books and resources I find helpful…

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I feel really positive and calm just now. I know that I’ve still got plenty of battles to fight - rebuilding a business that’s been a little neglected while I work through all of this, learning healthy ways to manage time, finding a space to work from out of our home so I don’t feel isolated and making sure I don’t fall back into old patterns…but I feel a new confidence that it’ll all work out how it should. I’d love it if you came with my on my wee journey.

I’ve left comments on incase there is anything you want to share directly here. And my unhelpful words project is still open to anyone. Just email me to arrange to take part. See my previous blog posts for more info on that.

Thanks for reading and I really do love pizza and walking along the beach.
x

Do the Earth a favour, don’t hide your magic

“Do The Earth A Favour, Don’t Hide Your Magic”

— Yung Pueblo

First published pre-pandemic, which feels like about 5 lifetimes ago…

So last time I started a wee introduction to sharing some stuff from yer actual genius wedding industry suppliers with a wee bit about how Cori from Makeup by Cori deals with anxious times. Next up is Audrey Barnes. 

Audrey and I worked together in a previous life at Electric Circus. I’ve photographed her beautiful face while chatting to her beautiful soul many times too. So it is really great that she is one of the first few folks to participate in my Unhelpful Words portrait series. 

When i asked Audrey a few questions about dealing with anxiety and stress when event planning, inclusivity at weddings and the like, she sent me just the best answers that she’s going to have to be a blog post all on her own cos (although she said I should) I don’t want to edit that shit down….so for now, here’s a wee introduction to what she does now and why she took part in the portrait series. Her super helpful and insightful event chat will be coming soon and you’ll find it totally useful, I promise. 

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Hey! I’m a wee tech and creative industries nerd, with a background in events, content creation, design, organisational strategy, and intercultural communications – championing equality and inclusion where ‘ere I go! 

You can find me at workshops and events, as an organiser, facilitator, and/or visitor. Or, hanging out in the digital space, writing about, cheering on, and celebrating the ways we can bring joy to more folks in the world.

My unhelpful words portrait – aside from being a wonderful opportunity to collab with one of my favourite creatives – was a message for us all on being gentle with ourselves, in world that pushes us for constant productivity and perseverance. That’s why I chose the word ‘Resilient’ – a word that gets thrown around a lot by “motivational” folks, and those congratulating others when they accomplish great things despite the odds. 

While often there’s good intentions behind comments made to those who have been resilient, there’s a wide-spread neglect that accompanies it. A neglect to explicitly recognise the dark side of resilience. That is, the impacts of keeping going without rest, and experiences of trauma – whether they be rooted in internal or external sources. 

For example – you may know, or be, someone who experienced bullying. Yet, kept going, and made a life. Perhaps succeeding spectacularly (in whatever way success manifests for you/them). People who know what was overcome may shout “Wow! So resilient!”. Seeing you as strong, and a person to turn to for advice and/or support, since you come with wisdom as a result of your journey. This can be very unhelpful when we don’t slow down to check in, recognising that the memories and impacts of things remain, weighing down possibilities for genuine joy and health. 

If you have a resilient friend who you can turn to, that’s so friggin’ wonderful! But make sure you recognise the cost for them – they need rest, compassion, and a person to turn to, too. If you are that person, be kind to yourself. Remember “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” – good boundaries and the timely saying of “no” is a gift to all around you. 

We all have mental health, we all have times of struggle and I think the more we make discussing our mental health commonplace the better for everyone, wherever they’re at. Aye, so…email me if you’d like get involved in the portrait project.

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Busy times around here with stuff and things…But what Audrey says about stepping back and slowing down to check in with things is totally true and something I’ve been making a wee bit of time for in amongst all this photographing and typing and pacing about my beach as I do…I’m reading Inward by Yung Pueblo just now and it’s blowing my tiny preoccupied mind. So insightful and I feel zen as heck after a few of his words about letting go of past emotional pain and learning to fully understand ourselves. Follow him on instagram and get in about his stories as he posts daily ‘3 thoughts’ stories which are just the bees knees. 

Jeezo, I could rant on, I have much to say and share but I need to pace myself cos we only just talked about that. 

x