Firstly, a huge thank you to the folks who made orders with our wee online store over November, we’ve made our donation to Refuweegee in your honour. Last day for postage for the year is Wednesday 14th. Solidarity to everyone out there having to strike.

One of my proper oversharing is caring rants so take a deep breath. This time last year I had my usual fuck all invites to do anything festive. Folks don’t know what to do with a socially awkward sober single self-employed solo parent old weirdo nightmare at the best of times and that’s ok. As is always the remedy, I took myself to a couple of gigs and I decided to make something for myself with my time instead of being grumpy wee shite. I made myself mad uncomfortable by videoing myself dancing in my pants and turned it into a flipbook and it was the best fun experience because I hadn’t made anything tangible in a very long time. 2021 was my busiest year of wedding work to date and so I’d just been chasing my tail with editing and never having time to hang out with anyone or take my kid on adventures. He was with his other family for xmas last year but I had a fucking great time to myself, watching Snowbeast, Die Hard (festive) and Goodfellas and fucking the social norms that say you have to behave in certain ways and wear a fucking stupid paper hat and eat dry meat that nobody has a bar off any other time of year, what’s the deal with the eating turkeys? I’m not a total grumble demon, I just think we should make our own traditions out of things that we love instead of blindly following everyone else.

Looking back on how uncomfortable I felt making that flipbook makes me really happy as I feel this year I no longer give a flying fuck about a lot of insecurities I had this time last year. Taps aff, tits oot, sober dancing amongst other personal revelations. Aaaw, look at me in ma big girl pants, risen like a phoenix from the ashes and that, bless. I recently said some people are so delicious you can’t help but let them burst open your darkness and just hope they stick around long enough to help you clean up the mess. I didn’t expect it to burst out of me like a bomb the last few months but there you go. I’ve been a lot more open lately about some difficult experiences in the past that have held back my confidence. There’s days in bed being a bit Brian Wilson to let it all go. The wee radge version of me that has been dormant since I stopped drinking is rising to have my back so nae shite, thanks. Big old realisations about healthy anger and the like. I’m still a bit easily startled compared to the bravado in my brains but heading in the right direction. I’m lucky to have you tasty creeps around, the old energy is definitely clearing so I hope I’m in a fit state to share my gratitude soon. Working on some ideas.

All of these things come down to connecting with great folks, making myself communicate about things I want and don’t want, although I get a bit carried away sometimes. People are weird eh? I know I’m a bit dramatic and exhausting for sure. There’s plenty folks who love to see you doing ok but hate it when you start to do great. (Popped that one in to give the frenemies a beamer, you’re welcome, bitches.) Best to focus on the places where you feel safe, nourished and challenged to keep going and exploring. Gratitude for the good ones, I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you people that offer me safe spaces and all the good things.

“You have to die a few times to really live.”

— Charles Bukowski

I’m excited to be making new connections to artists whose work I love and am inspired by. I am forever in awe of folks who have proper disciplined process when it comes to creating, for me it’s a shambles of torture until something daft pops out to take the edge off my pure goth existential whitey. I’ve started trying to hone my inner radge into a kind of Begbie that gives me shit for letting the overwhelm take over so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t always figure out ways to get the difficult feelings and memories out in creative ways like I think I should to torch them. Maybe for now they’re meant to come out in more straightforward ways for me and I’m just meant to play and say fuck you to all that stuff by finding some sexy joy in creating and letting go instead of looking backward.

I know lots of people who have a bunch of stuff they rarely talk about. You can see my ranting and raving on my not wedding work instagram (@solornothing) where I try to push myself to just share stuff and be a bit braver. I’ve had a lot of heavy rants with folks recently. Bottling nasty stuff up just holds us back from really living but there’s no point in getting stuck in it either.

I was having a wee maudlin time to myself this week after facing some of the tough stuff but I dragged myself away from my misery pit and went to a couple of gigs. Music is the best drug. The power of dancing with strangers and getting rattled by the bass through the pa (cos us short asses are always down the front next to the pa or up the back moaning about one of you tall fuckers standing right in front of us just as the band start) is transformative. I slowly murder my playlists by listening to them till it gets painful and then start all over again but I think I was exact same with tapes when I was wee. My flat is full of instruments I don’t know how to play. It makes sense that I’ve been reconnecting with folks who I know through my days working at gigs this year cos I’m greedy for the tunes. It’s one of the few ways that really helps me to get out of my head and into my body which I really need to focus on more.

If you struggle at this time of year for any reason my solid pal advice for you (I’ve got my hand on your shoulder if you need a wee visual) switch off from all the bullshit happy family narratives that claim buying folks loads of crap is the best way to express love and go and create something. Or just reach for your favourite vice and get tore in, whatever works, what do I know, I don’t even have whisky to turn to so give me a break.

We all know that abusive people love to kick up shit at this time of year for maximum effect while we’re all being force-fed the happy big family around the table stories so don’t be a dick.

All the hugs and dances and rest, merry gents

xxx