“Won’t you visit my studio and let me perpetuate your personality?”

Hi lads,

Back to the grind. Playtime is over, no more pissing about this year, mind…

I was quite chuffed that Santa managed to pull off a lo-fi quiet Christmas for the wean and I seeing as we were trapped in the flat for most of the last couple of weeks of school with all the germs. My kid gave me nits and a chest infection for Xmas. We checked one out under the microscope he got from Santa, weirdly hypnotic wee fellas.

Being bored in the flat finally made me sort out my little darkroom cupboard and get back to printing some black and white images. It’s been so long my chemicals had all rotted but I’d forgotten how you have to count the seconds and it keeps you present, tunes on (getting lost when the BPM and the red light seconds counter are off kilter with each other) I really enjoy the gentle process…I’d been putting it off for a very long time because I kept overwhelming myself with ideas and all the cameras but then once I got in about it I remembered that I can only process 35mm negatives and I’ve only got black and white paper and chemicals so maybes I just need some constraints then I’m off…

I’ve started shooting some self portraits and exploring my autonomy, getting back in touch with my flesh. Not to keep dropping trauma turds all over the internet but folks who follow my @solornothing page have probably noticed me grappling with seeing and expressing myself as someone with wants and desires for some time now. Or maybes it just looks like a horny midlife crisis, I donno. Maybes it’s both. Anyways, I’m slowly scratching my way out of some time in solitary confinement. Maybe I’ll write elsewhere about my experiences in more detail but for now I want to stick to dancing in the darkroom and let some of the noisy ideas loose and see where it takes me, reaping all that has been sown so far and all that.

I think the realisation you are neurodivergent as an adult is as liberating as it is frustrating. I’ve always been a bit all or nothing in relationships and that's definitely been taken advantage of a times. It’s strange to think I might not have been through some of the tougher experiences if I’d known when I was younger the huge part that often plays in emotions, thinking and behaviours. So I’m taking time to be kind to myself and hope that I can still be me but with some stronger boundaries to keep things healthier. All of these explorations are helping me to find out.

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The best part of wedding shoots is connecting with people in their genuine big feelings but I’ve never tried that on myself before. Most of my work is sharing and recording other peoples’ vulnerable moments. I always learn something from the couples and the celebrants I work with, who are just the best storytellers. We’ll share more of that good stuff this year. I’ve a heap of things from last year to share and a bunch of admin to catch up on and I’ll get there one of these days. Wedding work starts for me on the last weekend of the month, with a tiny wedding for a couple of absolute legends so I’ll no doubt be a complete emotional wreck but we’re going to have a dance in the street and good times.

I owe Hannah a huge thank you, not only for making sense of all my work for the new website last year but also for masquerading as me on my wedding work page and the elopement society socials for most of the last few months of last year. I had a bit of a burnout at the end of wedding work season after having the big neurodivergent realisation along with some nasty past experiences deciding I needed to deal with them all at once. I was pretty work shy, overwhelmed and triggered to fuck but I feel like I’ve managed to get past it all and the year has started with some big laughs and lots of germs and ideas. This year I’m just doing stuff before I can overthink it all away and you can hold me to that, if you want to.

Anyways, from now on Hannah will be concentrating on The Elopement Society online as we build a bunch more connections with some local creatives and charitable organisations that support independent artists. We’ve so many ideas and collaborations to get to work on. I struggle so much with the wedding industry sheen, the whole ‘best day ever’ glossy pressure and I think we’re all skint and doing things the same way as everyone else is hella boring so maybes it’s time that we do things differently. Mostly we’ll be over here with our chat and sending our subscribers some patter and treats. You should join the mailing list if you haven’t already.

“Our whole ethos is centred on supporting local independent brands and creatives who have a strong sustainability practice, reminding couples that you don’t have to have a ‘wedding’ but you can get married however you want. There’s so many preconceived notions of what a wedding is and fuck those guys, just be you and do things in a way that represent your story together so it has some meaning and value.”

Local couples can use the spaces they hang out in on their wedding day, it doesn’t have to be a huge wildly expensive thing to be beautiful and special if you don’t want it to be. We work with loads of overseas couples who have a connection to Scotland who want to elope here and we offer an alternative to the well travelled jaunt to the beautiful highlands cos there’s beautiful spaces all over our wee country and in our local neighbourhoods. So, for now, our focus is on Edinburgh and East Lothian mainly cos I love to shoot there and it feels like home. We list our ideas as packages just to take the stress out of figuring out where to begin once you let those preconceptions go but we tailor every elopement and small wedding to suit our couples, they’re just a serving suggestion to whet yer appetite. More about all that stuff coming soon for all the new engaged folks discovering us on the internet.

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I’ve started this year feeling very restless, I’m itching for some laughs and adventures.

I had fun shooting some portrait jobs at the end of the year and I’d love to do more of them this year. I always try to shoot some pre-wedding couples portraits with the folks who’ve got me following them around all day and their weddings. I also do a little bit of family portraiture and some promo and editorial shots now and again but those mostly tend to be on the move much like my events work. I’d like to slow things down and do more studio based stuff to mix things up a bit and to get the lighting gear out.

I have some time in February to play. So pals looking for collaborative shoots or needing portraits, get in touch.

There I go, trying to avoid sitting still already…

Speak again soon xx

Oh, and the ““Won’t you visit my studio and let me perpetuate your personality?” quote is from the first female photographer to get her own studio in Hollywood. She worked with MGM, with final approval and credit for all her images, styled Garbo and Joan Crawford all in her twenties.

You have to die a few times to really live

Firstly, a huge thank you to the folks who made orders with our wee online store over November, we’ve made our donation to Refuweegee in your honour. Last day for postage for the year is Wednesday 14th. Solidarity to everyone out there having to strike.

One of my proper oversharing is caring rants so take a deep breath. This time last year I had my usual fuck all invites to do anything festive. Folks don’t know what to do with a socially awkward sober single self-employed solo parent old weirdo nightmare at the best of times and that’s ok. As is always the remedy, I took myself to a couple of gigs and I decided to make something for myself with my time instead of being grumpy wee shite. I made myself mad uncomfortable by videoing myself dancing in my pants and turned it into a flipbook and it was the best fun experience because I hadn’t made anything tangible in a very long time. 2021 was my busiest year of wedding work to date and so I’d just been chasing my tail with editing and never having time to hang out with anyone or take my kid on adventures. He was with his other family for xmas last year but I had a fucking great time to myself, watching Snowbeast, Die Hard (festive) and Goodfellas and fucking the social norms that say you have to behave in certain ways and wear a fucking stupid paper hat and eat dry meat that nobody has a bar off any other time of year, what’s the deal with the eating turkeys? I’m not a total grumble demon, I just think we should make our own traditions out of things that we love instead of blindly following everyone else.

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Looking back on how uncomfortable I felt making that flipbook makes me really happy as I feel this year I no longer give a flying fuck about a lot of insecurities I had this time last year. Taps aff, tits oot, sober dancing amongst other personal revelations. Aaaw, look at me in ma big girl pants, risen like a phoenix from the ashes and that, bless. I recently said some people are so delicious you can’t help but let them burst open your darkness and just hope they stick around long enough to help you clean up the mess. I didn’t expect it to burst out of me like a bomb the last few months but there you go. I’ve been a lot more open lately about some difficult experiences in the past that have held back my confidence. There’s days in bed being a bit Brian Wilson to let it all go. The wee radge version of me that has been dormant since I stopped drinking is rising to have my back so nae shite, thanks. Big old realisations about healthy anger and the like. I’m still a bit easily startled compared to the bravado in my brains but heading in the right direction. I’m lucky to have you tasty creeps around, the old energy is definitely clearing so I hope I’m in a fit state to share my gratitude soon. Working on some ideas.

All of these things come down to connecting with great folks, making myself communicate about things I want and don’t want, although I get a bit carried away sometimes. People are weird eh? I know I’m a bit dramatic and exhausting for sure. There’s plenty folks who love to see you doing ok but hate it when you start to do great. (Popped that one in to give the frenemies a beamer, you’re welcome, bitches.) Best to focus on the places where you feel safe, nourished and challenged to keep going and exploring. Gratitude for the good ones, I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you people that offer me safe spaces and all the good things.

“You have to die a few times to really live.”

— Charles Bukowski

I’m excited to be making new connections to artists whose work I love and am inspired by. I am forever in awe of folks who have proper disciplined process when it comes to creating, for me it’s a shambles of torture until something daft pops out to take the edge off my pure goth existential whitey. I’ve started trying to hone my inner radge into a kind of Begbie that gives me shit for letting the overwhelm take over so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t always figure out ways to get the difficult feelings and memories out in creative ways like I think I should to torch them. Maybe for now they’re meant to come out in more straightforward ways for me and I’m just meant to play and say fuck you to all that stuff by finding some sexy joy in creating and letting go instead of looking backward.

I know lots of people who have a bunch of stuff they rarely talk about. You can see my ranting and raving on my not wedding work instagram (@solornothing) where I try to push myself to just share stuff and be a bit braver. I’ve had a lot of heavy rants with folks recently. Bottling nasty stuff up just holds us back from really living but there’s no point in getting stuck in it either.

I was having a wee maudlin time to myself this week after facing some of the tough stuff but I dragged myself away from my misery pit and went to a couple of gigs. Music is the best drug. The power of dancing with strangers and getting rattled by the bass through the pa (cos us short asses are always down the front next to the pa or up the back moaning about one of you tall fuckers standing right in front of us just as the band start) is transformative. I slowly murder my playlists by listening to them till it gets painful and then start all over again but I think I was exact same with tapes when I was wee. My flat is full of instruments I don’t know how to play. It makes sense that I’ve been reconnecting with folks who I know through my days working at gigs this year cos I’m greedy for the tunes. It’s one of the few ways that really helps me to get out of my head and into my body which I really need to focus on more.

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If you struggle at this time of year for any reason my solid pal advice for you (I’ve got my hand on your shoulder if you need a wee visual) switch off from all the bullshit happy family narratives that claim buying folks loads of crap is the best way to express love and go and create something. Or just reach for your favourite vice and get tore in, whatever works, what do I know, I don’t even have whisky to turn to so give me a break. 

We all know that abusive people love to kick up shit at this time of year for maximum effect while we’re all being force-fed the happy big family around the table stories so don’t be a dick.

All the hugs and dances and rest, merry gents

xxx

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The Store

Joy As An Act Of Resistance, Who's In?

Thank you to everyone for the lovely feedback about the new website. It feels good to have something out there that’s a bit more representative of me and different types of photography work I like to do. There’s a big shift happening for me and this has been a really useful place to start. The whole process of working with Hannah has been amazing. She’s brilliant. Although, we have tangent rants a lot. She’s one of those folks who is incredibly encouraging and also just gently nudges you to be a bit braver, to charge the going rate for work instead of giving my time and ideas away...

She’s also helped me to just face the fact I’m more than likely to have ADHD. That’s led me to some massive learning about myself, how my brain works (and doesn’t) and how much of a hard time I can give myself for not progressing ideas for projects that aren’t paid jobs. It’s been really liberating. I had no idea about many of the different facets of how ADHD can affect daily life and my behaviours and awful memory make so much sense. It’s a total confidence booster to figure out you aren’t just a lazy procrastinating forgetful bastard but that your brain just doesn’t work in the linear ways that capitalism wants it to. Power to the divergents and all that. 

I’ve had the best time this year. It’s been a wild ride. I’ve been an emotionally overwhelmed wreck a lot of it but trying not to be a total people pleasing doormat has freed up some space in my brain and time to hang out with the folks who’ve been there for the rants and the dances so it’s been fun. I’ve also been working mostly on my own at weddings this year for the first time really. I’ve shot weddings for around a decade and mostly had someone with me for the full days but after restrictions last year changed things, I just ended up mostly flying solo. There’s no decompressing from the lovely intensity of it all on the drives home, belting out bangers in the car with Alix. So I’ve been really conscious of how much I’ve missed that but also I’ve started to explore using film again so it’s been a great learning experience. I genuinely have the best clients, always such generous and lovely folks to hang out with so I’m really lucky. 

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my wild year. I feel like I’m growing exponentially and it’s a wild ride. It feels good to find a little confidence to explore autonomy over myself and the parts of me that I maybe haven’t looked after very well for a long time.

I’ve witnessed the most amazing connections between people through my work and beautiful combinations of different traditions.  I know I often bang on about it but it really does just amaze me to see it. I shot my last wedding job of the year and the last covid postponement early in November. What a wonder of a wee team in the face of adversity those folks are. And it’s not just the couples I work with, sometimes it’s witnessing the most amazing family bonds too. I don’t have any living siblings and I find it fascinating to watch how they can come together and support each other in the roughest of circumstances. It’s alchemy to see all the ways folks are there for each other. After that day at work I sat on the sofa with my kid and my dad listening to music till midnight (ooft, wee guy was a riot the next day). My dad has just got into streaming, got all French about Jacques Dutronc, says his lyrics aren’t just words, they’re a philosophy. Good times. 

November has been pretty much fighting my body’s deep wish to hibernate. The seasonal affective disorder is a beast this year. I also invented an Amelie inspired flirtation with a recycling bin that I realised was more romantic and enjoyable than my past relationships with actual human men so it’s been a time. Winter is always a bastard and I hate most things about xmas so I’m making sure I make time for those lush friends and folks who make me feel enriched. I’m making time to do the things that make me feel full. Mostly that’s either using the tiny bits of freetime I’ve got to chase (booze-free) debauchery or sometimes it’s gentle art feasts, getting out and about creeping with old film cameras and swearing in the dark with chemicals. I can highly recommend hanging out on the beach in a mad cloak based on a costume from the second worst film of all time and eating crisps with the crows for a life affirming start to yer day.

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Anyways, some work things I should be taking about instead of this self indulgent pish… 

The Store

All profits from sales on our store for the rest of November will be donated to Refuweegee. If you can, please help us to support local makers and this amazing charity by purchasing some of our tactile beauty.

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The Elopement Society

We’ve got some exciting new East Lothian elopement and wee wedding news coming in the new year so get in touch if you might want to elope or have a tiny wedding by the beach/in the woods/with delicious things.

Before all the tantruming billionaires kill social media, we’re also working on some old school lo-fi ways of staying in touch which will also push me to do all the personal work stuff I just bashed out a bit of bravado about. I’m just saying this so that Hannah holds me accountable for it in a couple of months when I’ve forgotten. Also to try to tempt you into joining our mailing list so we can be pen pals. 

Our brand new Edinburgh wee wedding package for seafood lovers is a banger (although not in the sausage sense I don’t think) so we’ll be hollering out that very soon too. 

What’s the bets it takes me 6 months to actually call the doctor for an ADHD test referral…anyways much love as always, stay nourished and cosy cos it’s rough out there xx