A Sea Change

Most of my writing on here has come from a place of trying to make sense of or at least process and let go of painful experiences. So here’s the story of a very physical and literal way I’ve started to do that.

In November a little perfect combo arrived by chance. I’d started doing Iyengar yoga again after many years of not. I love this form of exercise, it’s the only kind I’ve ever managed to keep doing for more than a few weeks since dance classes as a kid. It’s the type of yoga that feels very cleansing. It has all the poses of types that work through salutations and a little of the ethos of the more spiritual elements but it’s somewhere in between, focussing on alignments within the body itself. I’ve always struggled to get out of my head and into my physical body and this is one very slow and considered way to do it. You aren’t sweating and overexerting but you are learning and strengthening. The next day is when you usually feel it.

I also, cos my back is fucked from regularly carrying camera gear that weighs the same as the average 4 year old and I have little core strength from years of zero exercise and a c-section literally slicing through anything that was there to begin with, I get monthly hot stone massage. Highly recommend Hannah at Ultimate Wellness to any locals needing their aches and pains sorted. From around November she suggested we work a bit deeper and added in some deep tissue massage.

Also, after a visit to Hamburg where my friend Laura said it might be time to get stuck into the female rage that comes with watching Handmaid’s Tale, I was also binging my way through the 5 or so series of that whenever I had downtime.

And one night a character said a line that just hit a nerve and I started balling my eyes out. I didn’t feel sad, it was a huge purge. But my entire body started to shake and twitch as I lay there weeping. I’ve never in my life experienced anything like this at that point but I went with it and let out as much as I could.

And soon after I was all over a google rabbit hole which lead me to learning about somatic release. I’d basically had one by accident I think because of the combo of the 3 things I mentioned. It’s essentially allowing a release of tension and trauma from joints and muscles within the body, a massive purge of the build up of cortisol that comes from living in a state of fight or flight for too long. It’s an amazing thing for anyone who has ADHD, Complex PTSD, trauma or stiffness in specific areas of their mobility.

It was a wild feeling and kickstarted a bit of a physical ‘healing journey’ (gross) after all the traumatic experiences that surfaced last year while learning to accept and explore that I am more than likely AuDHD. I think I’ve mentioned these things before, along with journalling and sometimes chucking myself in the sea or attempting to jog a 5k without dying as ways that have helped me to process stuff. But this is like a whole next level experience that I feel like we should all have and know about. It’s a bit scary, your body is twitching harder than a nosy nan’s net curtains but if you can just let yourself work through it, the sheer physical release is amazing. It helps folks who tend to ruminate and not really know where they feel emotions in their actual body to recognise exactly that and to breath through it.

So for the last month I’ve been gently working my way through a somatic exercise programme designed for folks with trauma and/or neurodivergence and it’s the most amazing experience. I did some reading and watched a shitload of tiktoks and all that before I found The Workout Witch and she made sense to me. I struggle to form routines for anything but the goth weirdo in me is way more likely to stick to things if I can persuade my brain I’m creating a ritual more than doing a routine and that’s part of the system she uses, hence the witch chat. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse, with a degree in psychology and training in pilates for injury so she knows her stuff.

“Trauma, anxiety, stress, and emotional experiences are all connected to the physical pain and unexplained health conditions we’ve been generationally programmed to just “put up with.”

By utilizing somatic exercises, she’s helping today’s generation heal from the unexplained pain that doctors can’t treat, be free from the trauma you’ve been putting off, and introduce you to the way your body is supposed to feel.”

— The Workout Witch

Today’s yoga class comes after some hip and back releasing stuff (the online courses are very simple 10-15 mins a day exercises building new neural pathways and slowly teaching awareness of specific joints and muscles much like the yoga I love but more with a view to unlocking the tensions and traumas held there) and it felt genuinely blissful at points, I felt I could reach a deeper place within a lot of the poses and that I’m getting better at correcting my awful posture to have better alignment.

Might all sound kind of woo woo but it works and I know that our gut and brains are connected, I’ve nearly died from suspected Crohn’s Disease symptoms which have disappeared since I’ve been single and not in any toxic relationship so I think this is the next step, releasing all the held emotionally pain from my pelvis and neck mostly, unclenching the jaw and being grateful as fuck.

Anyone who lives in a state of anxiety or tensions of any kind I’d highly recommend even just reading up about this in general but I like to share all the things I find cathartic and positive as I know some folks out there resonate with the difficult experiences I’ve been through.

I’ve said this before and I firmly believe that we’re not meant to live in our wounds. The shame and guilt for being human that stops us from openly talking about difficult life experience sometimes is bullshit. It’s put there to stop us from healing that shit in healthy ways, it’s programmed in us so we reach for the less healthy coping strategies, stay in a societal set up that really enables a heap of abusive behaviours while victim blaming. We end up staying stuck in places we deserve to grow past. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s the ways we take responsibility for them and grow that counts. I wish they taught shit like this in schools, I feel like way less of us would be living from places of fear or inadequacy projecting our struggles onto others and internalising things others say and do if we had healthy ways of getting to the nitty gritty as rituals in our daily lives.

We should all be frolicking in fields and feeling brand new.

xx

Crack yourself wide open like a nut and butter the world with yer alchemy.

How’s it going?

Did everyone go through the good news portal with me on Friday 9 June? Obviously out there is abject misery mostly but I’ve had the fucking best time since I managed to rob those test results and stop fretting.

Last week was really incredible for conversations with amazing folks, very inspirational chat, my brain’s been whirring away with ideas. I really enjoyed working on a brand commission and some portrait sessions. Best of all, I gave myself a proper treat of a road trip. Mostly thanks to an offer from some clients to guinea pig their new holiday home. I spent a few nights away from home and just indulged myself in all the good stuff and some summer cliches. I’m a not nonchalant as fuck wee thing, I feel everything deeply, including all the good stuff when it invariably comes back around. I feel so very lucky. I had a few days were I felt like I wasn’t in a constant state of fight or flight, that I could just be. I’m very much trying to keep it that way.

Anyways, I swam (peed) in 2 seas, a pool and for the first time, in a loch. In the loch, it was just me and a beautiful little blue dragonfly dancing around my face. It was shallow so the water was warm, the colour of a fine malt but very much did not taste like one. Well slidy rocks though, no sultry way in or out of that bad boy. Geologied out ma nut in there till the thunder came.

I spent a whole day in my pants on a remote beach, making cyanotype sun prints, shooting some film, swimming and writing. For me, I struggle to get into a flow with making things, my time is all as scattered as my thoughts and I’m shit with routine even thought I need discipline, so little rituals help a lot. They help me to ground myself, to self regulate when the nasty stuff surfaces from nowhere and to focus. I was having such an idyllic time I had a ‘fucking rob and sell everything that’s not tied down, get a fancy winnebago and fuck off into the sunset’ kind of vibe going. Then I got stuck behind one for like 8 hours on the road home and ugh.

I stayed at a hotel one night last week which was overrun with grumpy old couples sitting eating in silence. It was amazing. You could hear a pin drop in the restaurant. Well, except for this one old boy who was British but speaking in French and only really at the other guy’s wife who I’m 100% sure he was trying to seduce. His wife was livid. The other guy silent. It was delicious to watch. The wife eyed me up and down later on and I just beamed at her. I fucking love that type of people watching. That’s not even the observation. The point being literally all the men in a small town like that will look at you with the hungry eyes as they usually only get to chat to grumpy pensioners.

I’ve been hatching plans to bring some of my personal work together into one tangible thing but I’ve not made it yet so sssh. I love how I only ever figure these things out just in time for busy work time and school holidays. The idea involves learning some new processes. I need to give myself a challenge so it’s all good. I want to take my time with it all but I’m also self aware enough to know that if there isn’t a deadline it could take forever.

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I’ve been doing all the growing (mostly my belly thanks to the depression diet of the last wee while). Here’s my random recent anecdotes/observations:

I went for a run one morning last week in the heat. I’m really not very fit at all, exercise always come last in our busy house. Also I prefer dancing and shagging. But there’s nothing like a cancer scare to get you moving. I always have the tunes on loud to drown out the wheezing. I must have been proper puffing and panting cos some grandad stopped gardening to stand and clap me on. Not really the sign of a passing athlete.

The whole time I’m thinking, ‘fucksake, I can’t do this, I’ll never be any good, I’m not good enough, I can’t’ etc etc and then I get to the Mussel sculpture that folks always seem to say is a clam but hiya, it’s Musselburgh. And the penny drops that I’ve done halfway despite telling myself I can’t. I’m already doing it, despite myself. I’m already doing it. And the rest of the way back I realise I do this about most things in life and now I just need to tell the anxious thoughts to shut up and listen and watch cos I’m already fucking doing it. So that’s my new mantra, every time I feel myself start to ruminate or catastophize. Pipe down hen, you’re already doing it.

As high priestess Ru Paul says, “Don’t let your feelings sabotage your experience in this life. Do not.” I think a lot of the anger I was carrying was cos I’ve been so frustrating feeling like past experience being stuck in my nervous system was the same as self sabotage but it’s not, it’s just my body learnt to protect me, which is amazing. It just takes more time than for some to learn when you are safe. So I’m not going to hide away from anything anymore and I’m not going to blame myself for being human.

Why would you not chase after dreams, like why the fuck would you not? We’re here one time. It’s only small minded people who would ever tell you not to go after something that filled you with joy. I had this amazing conversation with a client who I’m delighted to have worked with a couple of times recently and will again soon. Having been in relationships with men who try to keep you small by undermining your creative voice or self expression or personality or confidence… they’re maybe doing that cos they’re intimated. Perhaps they have to be the creative one as a lot of it is just posturing and not from a genuine place. Those types of men are not open to being collaborative as they come from ego and also they just think women have a place, a supporting role, making the tea, being the good little wife or a dirty hoebag, whatever. When I was younger I mistook narcissistic peacocking for real self expression in some.

I think creative people are generally full of wonder at things and want to see others create and express themselves freely as it’s inspiring and magic to witness. But there are just some truly vapid talentless pricks out there, that you maybe meet as a naive teenager, who have always been cringe but have no idea how funny their attempts at songs are. Music really does heal in very wild ways sometimes. Ask me for the link, it’s like a brutal parody, pure car crash and it’s very very cathartic to genuinely laugh in the face of your rapist.

Also stay the fuck away from people who think speaking your truth is being dramatic or openly sharing struggles is being miserable. Nothing and nobody is perfect and it would be dull if it was. We’re all shit at times but to grow and be kind with ourselves and others has to start with us being honest about the depths of who we are, what we feel, think, want. And we have to push past comfort to really thrive and take responsibility for our actions. But also to talk about difficult stuff in any detail you have to have got to a certain point in healing yourself from the hurts of it all. To be in your joyful times you have to face all the crappy ones. I’ve never appreciated good times more than I do now, I’m living a life I always wanted to build and it can be hard but it’s worth it all.

Crack yourself wide open like a nut and butter the world with yer alchemy.

And for anyone who’s been following my recent chat, I still haven’t officially heard from the doctor. Lost count but sure it’s been 3 whole months. I’m so glad for women who break the rules or I’d still be anxiously waiting to see if I then needed to wait on a scan to then find out if etc etc…that’s a whole other rant about protecting the NHS and not treating public services like assets to strip for cronies’ gains.

Some of the stuff I made on the beach and my travels will no doubt show up on here soon enough, I’ve still to develop the film and all that stuff. This week I’m catching up on edits, trying to schedule some posts about all the work I’ve been doing (swearing at fuckin apps), along with a couple of shoots. In the meantime, a very lucky little beach witch is sending you all some good times x

sometimes you’ve just got to get your hands dirty and get stuck in about doing the work

And to think not that long ago I was banging on about nearly dying choking on toilet roll…

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On Friday I went full scale private detective and just kept calling different folks at the hospital to try to find a number for someone who’d give me my blood test results. It’s been over 2 months and I couldn’t really face the thought of another full weekend with no way to try to chase it up. I’ve got a busy week of work this week and no time to meltdown about it all. The consultant’s secretary’s line is just always an answerphone. Eventually I got another consultant’s secretary who very kindly broke the rules for me and found my results. The marker in my blood has reduced (not quite to the healthy level but low enough to know it’s not cancer). She said it could be another couple of week’s before the consultant writes to me to explain but for now it’s good enough. All the emotions, ooooft. I had to go for a run along the prom and coast path to give the mussel a wee stroke (hey now, it’s a sculpture at musselburgh beach) and back again.

I’m a very self reliant person but the thought of having cancer and all the treatments, how to look after my boy and everything on top of the stuff that’s been going on just felt too much for a while. Could still do with a healthy nap to get over that wild pandemic, to be honest. My energy has been stinking so I’ve been hiding.

I’ve had a lot of days in bed, missed some fun things I wanted to do cos I just needed to lie down in the dark. And of course literally everyone I know, even folks who don’t like music, have been out at gigs while I was lying in the dark. I missed Beyonce, The Boss, Interpol, Le Tigre, Hidden Door, Primavera but I hope you all had a great time and that’s not even sarcastic. I only had Hidden Door tickets so I’m being a bit dramatic but still. It was a wee kick in the ass to figure out ways of getting out of my head and into my body that don’t involve being in a crowd. Hence the attempts to run (my red face, hair and nails clash when I do vigorous exercise and it’s a vibe), getting in the sea again, amongst other things.

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Then there’s the fear of men thing (here we go, she’s on her pure lying on a therapist’s sofa chat). It kind of mutated while I was feeling so down into this deep guttural anger that I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. But then two mad things happened (weirdly, about the consultant I originally saw and rapey Richy) that made the anger boil over and made me laugh my ass off. I got to thinking what if it’s not men I’m afraid of all the time but sometimes it’s my own fucking boundless potential because of how men I’ve known had treated me. (I donno how to add the fingernail emoji but just imagine it’s here, This is the bit where you punch the air, give me a wee clap, holler ‘yaas, bitch’ or whatever). Maybe I get really small, try to hide my weird neurodivergent stuff and hold on to questions and get frustrated with myself. Hmmm…

There’s also all the judgements around women who openly talk about male violence which informs the anger. It feels like a lot of people find it way easier to label us as difficult, mentally ill, covert narcissists, man haters, doormats, a bit stupid, demanding, jealous, fantasists, uncouth for airing dirty laundry etc than to hold the men accountable. Everyone thinks they know your business in a small city, even though we all carry these old versions of each other around that have no baring on who folks are now. Except abusive men don’t seem to evolve at all. Their situations change but not their behaviours. And nobody gives a shit unless it’s them at the end of the abuse. That makes places like here feel so small and suffocating at times. I’ve had strangers DM me to find out on a scale of 1-10 just how abusive an ex was as their friend was dating him. Zero fucks for how that question might affect me. And I bet if I had a partner they’d back off because they all see women as objects to own. Fucking seething again going down this train of thought…like how women just know it’s easier to get rid of unwanted attention by saying you have a boyfriend over just saying fuck off, you creepy prick.

I love men. I’m a tomboy, I’ve always loved time and conversations with groups of men over with groups of women. I prefer solo time with female pals, the conversation is always very different to how it is in groups. But I’ve had too many heartbreaking conversations with women lately. I know there’s some kind of art project brewing about it that will feel cathartic, just need to process the cancer whitey first and then it will surface, no doubt.

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Tanatsei Gambura, ECA degree show

Frankie Egan, ECA degree show

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I had been wondering if me openly unravelling all of this messy human stuff was just harming myself but I think it’s the healthiest and sexiest thing I’ve ever done.

I figure those who agree will stick around and those that don’t leave space and time for others. So long as I hold some gratitude for it all I’m good. I’m coming through the other side of it all but it’s not an exaggeration to say it’s felt like a fuckin dark night of the soul round my gaff lately.

But sometimes you’ve just got to get your hands dirty and get stuck in about doing the work. To really let all that stuff go you have to wade through it and I feel fucking great now. Hopefully it stays that way for a while. I’ve been thinking of lots of juicy transmutations for the anger and becoming so aware of all the things just allows you to process them and grow.

Above: top: Alex Osborn (ECA degree show), Eduardo Paulozzi, Alberta Whittle, bottom: Eileen Agar, Alberta Whittle, Marina Abramovic, Salvador Dali.

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I’m trying to organise my time better to catch up a bit for the time in bed. And when I fail I’ll remind myself that time as we use it is a relative concept invented to make us all work for the man. Going to try scheduling in some work posts on instagram and the like with the app I pay for and never use so I’m not on there wasting time consuming endless ads. This week coming is a busy work week with a couple of portrait sessions, finishing up a brand commission and a road trip north too.

I’ll write a bit more on lost and found soon for the hardcore goths and the folks who find my rambling touches a nerve.

First, my chat about all the glimmers and treats I’ve been finding to be gentle with myself - basically getting high on art, rolling about in sand and on grass, hugging my boy extra tight, taking in the small things and big old rants with pals. I spent the rest of this weekend visiting the degree show, the modern galleries, getting a cheeky discount on camisoles at Herman Brown, ranting with a couple of pals and worshipping the sunrise at the end of my street with just a very early metal detector guy and the birds around. I’m so lucky to be right here and I’m glad I’ve figured out healthy ways to fill myself up when I’m struggling so I don’t feel like getting on the sauce. I still find ways to self medicate but they work better for me than booze ever did. Sitting about drinking is boring as fuck after a while, it always just made the minx in me want to break into stuff and get a bit too lairy as some of you will recall. Not really things that help get anxiety out of your system but I’ve got a load of ways to do that these days. Some of them I need you to come with me though.

x

You have to die a few times to really live

Firstly, a huge thank you to the folks who made orders with our wee online store over November, we’ve made our donation to Refuweegee in your honour. Last day for postage for the year is Wednesday 14th. Solidarity to everyone out there having to strike.

One of my proper oversharing is caring rants so take a deep breath. This time last year I had my usual fuck all invites to do anything festive. Folks don’t know what to do with a socially awkward sober single self-employed solo parent old weirdo nightmare at the best of times and that’s ok. As is always the remedy, I took myself to a couple of gigs and I decided to make something for myself with my time instead of being grumpy wee shite. I made myself mad uncomfortable by videoing myself dancing in my pants and turned it into a flipbook and it was the best fun experience because I hadn’t made anything tangible in a very long time. 2021 was my busiest year of wedding work to date and so I’d just been chasing my tail with editing and never having time to hang out with anyone or take my kid on adventures. He was with his other family for xmas last year but I had a fucking great time to myself, watching Snowbeast, Die Hard (festive) and Goodfellas and fucking the social norms that say you have to behave in certain ways and wear a fucking stupid paper hat and eat dry meat that nobody has a bar off any other time of year, what’s the deal with the eating turkeys? I’m not a total grumble demon, I just think we should make our own traditions out of things that we love instead of blindly following everyone else.

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Looking back on how uncomfortable I felt making that flipbook makes me really happy as I feel this year I no longer give a flying fuck about a lot of insecurities I had this time last year. Taps aff, tits oot, sober dancing amongst other personal revelations. Aaaw, look at me in ma big girl pants, risen like a phoenix from the ashes and that, bless. I recently said some people are so delicious you can’t help but let them burst open your darkness and just hope they stick around long enough to help you clean up the mess. I didn’t expect it to burst out of me like a bomb the last few months but there you go. I’ve been a lot more open lately about some difficult experiences in the past that have held back my confidence. There’s days in bed being a bit Brian Wilson to let it all go. The wee radge version of me that has been dormant since I stopped drinking is rising to have my back so nae shite, thanks. Big old realisations about healthy anger and the like. I’m still a bit easily startled compared to the bravado in my brains but heading in the right direction. I’m lucky to have you tasty creeps around, the old energy is definitely clearing so I hope I’m in a fit state to share my gratitude soon. Working on some ideas.

All of these things come down to connecting with great folks, making myself communicate about things I want and don’t want, although I get a bit carried away sometimes. People are weird eh? I know I’m a bit dramatic and exhausting for sure. There’s plenty folks who love to see you doing ok but hate it when you start to do great. (Popped that one in to give the frenemies a beamer, you’re welcome, bitches.) Best to focus on the places where you feel safe, nourished and challenged to keep going and exploring. Gratitude for the good ones, I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you people that offer me safe spaces and all the good things.

“You have to die a few times to really live.”

— Charles Bukowski

I’m excited to be making new connections to artists whose work I love and am inspired by. I am forever in awe of folks who have proper disciplined process when it comes to creating, for me it’s a shambles of torture until something daft pops out to take the edge off my pure goth existential whitey. I’ve started trying to hone my inner radge into a kind of Begbie that gives me shit for letting the overwhelm take over so we’ll see how that goes. I can’t always figure out ways to get the difficult feelings and memories out in creative ways like I think I should to torch them. Maybe for now they’re meant to come out in more straightforward ways for me and I’m just meant to play and say fuck you to all that stuff by finding some sexy joy in creating and letting go instead of looking backward.

I know lots of people who have a bunch of stuff they rarely talk about. You can see my ranting and raving on my not wedding work instagram (@solornothing) where I try to push myself to just share stuff and be a bit braver. I’ve had a lot of heavy rants with folks recently. Bottling nasty stuff up just holds us back from really living but there’s no point in getting stuck in it either.

I was having a wee maudlin time to myself this week after facing some of the tough stuff but I dragged myself away from my misery pit and went to a couple of gigs. Music is the best drug. The power of dancing with strangers and getting rattled by the bass through the pa (cos us short asses are always down the front next to the pa or up the back moaning about one of you tall fuckers standing right in front of us just as the band start) is transformative. I slowly murder my playlists by listening to them till it gets painful and then start all over again but I think I was exact same with tapes when I was wee. My flat is full of instruments I don’t know how to play. It makes sense that I’ve been reconnecting with folks who I know through my days working at gigs this year cos I’m greedy for the tunes. It’s one of the few ways that really helps me to get out of my head and into my body which I really need to focus on more.

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If you struggle at this time of year for any reason my solid pal advice for you (I’ve got my hand on your shoulder if you need a wee visual) switch off from all the bullshit happy family narratives that claim buying folks loads of crap is the best way to express love and go and create something. Or just reach for your favourite vice and get tore in, whatever works, what do I know, I don’t even have whisky to turn to so give me a break. 

We all know that abusive people love to kick up shit at this time of year for maximum effect while we’re all being force-fed the happy big family around the table stories so don’t be a dick.

All the hugs and dances and rest, merry gents

xxx

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The Store

Joy As An Act Of Resistance, Who's In?

Thank you to everyone for the lovely feedback about the new website. It feels good to have something out there that’s a bit more representative of me and different types of photography work I like to do. There’s a big shift happening for me and this has been a really useful place to start. The whole process of working with Hannah has been amazing. She’s brilliant. Although, we have tangent rants a lot. She’s one of those folks who is incredibly encouraging and also just gently nudges you to be a bit braver, to charge the going rate for work instead of giving my time and ideas away...

She’s also helped me to just face the fact I’m more than likely to have ADHD. That’s led me to some massive learning about myself, how my brain works (and doesn’t) and how much of a hard time I can give myself for not progressing ideas for projects that aren’t paid jobs. It’s been really liberating. I had no idea about many of the different facets of how ADHD can affect daily life and my behaviours and awful memory make so much sense. It’s a total confidence booster to figure out you aren’t just a lazy procrastinating forgetful bastard but that your brain just doesn’t work in the linear ways that capitalism wants it to. Power to the divergents and all that. 

I’ve had the best time this year. It’s been a wild ride. I’ve been an emotionally overwhelmed wreck a lot of it but trying not to be a total people pleasing doormat has freed up some space in my brain and time to hang out with the folks who’ve been there for the rants and the dances so it’s been fun. I’ve also been working mostly on my own at weddings this year for the first time really. I’ve shot weddings for around a decade and mostly had someone with me for the full days but after restrictions last year changed things, I just ended up mostly flying solo. There’s no decompressing from the lovely intensity of it all on the drives home, belting out bangers in the car with Alix. So I’ve been really conscious of how much I’ve missed that but also I’ve started to explore using film again so it’s been a great learning experience. I genuinely have the best clients, always such generous and lovely folks to hang out with so I’m really lucky. 

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my wild year. I feel like I’m growing exponentially and it’s a wild ride. It feels good to find a little confidence to explore autonomy over myself and the parts of me that I maybe haven’t looked after very well for a long time.

I’ve witnessed the most amazing connections between people through my work and beautiful combinations of different traditions.  I know I often bang on about it but it really does just amaze me to see it. I shot my last wedding job of the year and the last covid postponement early in November. What a wonder of a wee team in the face of adversity those folks are. And it’s not just the couples I work with, sometimes it’s witnessing the most amazing family bonds too. I don’t have any living siblings and I find it fascinating to watch how they can come together and support each other in the roughest of circumstances. It’s alchemy to see all the ways folks are there for each other. After that day at work I sat on the sofa with my kid and my dad listening to music till midnight (ooft, wee guy was a riot the next day). My dad has just got into streaming, got all French about Jacques Dutronc, says his lyrics aren’t just words, they’re a philosophy. Good times. 

November has been pretty much fighting my body’s deep wish to hibernate. The seasonal affective disorder is a beast this year. I also invented an Amelie inspired flirtation with a recycling bin that I realised was more romantic and enjoyable than my past relationships with actual human men so it’s been a time. Winter is always a bastard and I hate most things about xmas so I’m making sure I make time for those lush friends and folks who make me feel enriched. I’m making time to do the things that make me feel full. Mostly that’s either using the tiny bits of freetime I’ve got to chase (booze-free) debauchery or sometimes it’s gentle art feasts, getting out and about creeping with old film cameras and swearing in the dark with chemicals. I can highly recommend hanging out on the beach in a mad cloak based on a costume from the second worst film of all time and eating crisps with the crows for a life affirming start to yer day.

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Anyways, some work things I should be taking about instead of this self indulgent pish… 

The Store

All profits from sales on our store for the rest of November will be donated to Refuweegee. If you can, please help us to support local makers and this amazing charity by purchasing some of our tactile beauty.

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The Elopement Society

We’ve got some exciting new East Lothian elopement and wee wedding news coming in the new year so get in touch if you might want to elope or have a tiny wedding by the beach/in the woods/with delicious things.

Before all the tantruming billionaires kill social media, we’re also working on some old school lo-fi ways of staying in touch which will also push me to do all the personal work stuff I just bashed out a bit of bravado about. I’m just saying this so that Hannah holds me accountable for it in a couple of months when I’ve forgotten. Also to try to tempt you into joining our mailing list so we can be pen pals. 

Our brand new Edinburgh wee wedding package for seafood lovers is a banger (although not in the sausage sense I don’t think) so we’ll be hollering out that very soon too. 

What’s the bets it takes me 6 months to actually call the doctor for an ADHD test referral…anyways much love as always, stay nourished and cosy cos it’s rough out there xx

Words: IMHO Everyone is Nuts

The way I see it everyone is nuts. Most folks have boring patterns of pedestrian madness, you can predict it coming every time. Avoid these fuckers at all costs.

Let shit be what it is and make space for the folks bursting with the unique naughty good kinds of insanity. Here’s to all you juicy magic delicious partners in crime and rantings 😘

I hope you enjoyed my ted talk.

This is not the ‘about me’ info you are looking for

OK, so I’ve probably been holding back from this big old rant because it’s gonna be brutally honest and it makes me feel vulnerable but I just need to find my baws and bash on because it is totally honest and there’s no wee ‘oh hey, I love pizza and beach walks’ bullshit that really matches just spewing out the truth so you can really see who you get when you work with me. I ask you to be your authentic self in front of my scary camera lens so I’m gonna do the same here…grab a tea, this will take a while…

I’m currently sitting at a very different place for me than ever before. I’ve come out of the other side of total burn out - work-wise, mentally, physically too. I’m doing a lot of reassessing, figuring out what my honest goals and wants are, looking at the big picture. The last 3 years have been a proper rollercoaster and I’m gonna overshare about that in the hope that it maybe explains who I am a bit more honestly.

3 years ago my kid’s dad and I split after a very unhealthy and unhappy time. I’m pretty sure I went through undiagnosed post natal depression. I’d had to have a planned C Section because of previous surgeries and my milk didn’t ever come in although I spent the first couple of months of my kid’s life attached to breast pumps while trying to project manage a renovation and keep my business going from my mum’s spare room. I grew very resentful of my body which I’ve never had much confidence about but now I didn’t have any in it’s abilities either.

I left that situation with incredibly low self esteem, lots of unnatural anxieties and stress, I’d lost sight of who I am and was working at avoiding dealing with anything. Initially, I felt a huge sense of relief paired with a bunch of anger at some of the fallout and isolation I found myself dealing with. I felt pretty lost and I was also stuck in the house we’d renovated for around a year afterward, surrounded by failure and memories I was desperate to move on from, while we had a ridiculous and incredibly stressful legal battle. That winter my kid had recurring and terrifying nosebleeds, waking up covered in blood and needed blood tests for Leukemia and all sorts. Thankfully, he was fine. It was not a relaxing time, everything was feeding my fear of loss.

The following year my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and began chemo. This was sandwiched by my dad having emergency treatments in hospital. I shot a whole heap of wonderful weddings that kept me going but I was struggling to keep up with all the other parts of running a business. I shot 10 weddings in the 6 weeks between selling our old house, buying a new flat and packaging up/unpacking with the ‘help’ of a 3 year old. Then, a few months later, just after my mum’s treatment ended with positive results we lost our friend, Scott, to suicide.

“I’d sometimes sink into a dark place and either isolate myself or go out and get wrecked and lost being busy with work or whatever else I could do to avoid just feeling those feelings. However, this time around I didn’t have the choice. All of the things that had happened all hit me at once and I just buckled underneath them all.”

I really lost it when he was missing. Kind pals drove me around the coast road trying to find him, texting some pals who were doing the same, desperately hoping it wouldn’t turn out to be true. He had been there for me over the last wee while and was honest, hilarious, cheeky as fuck and supportive despite his own struggles. He means a great deal to me and many of my pals. I have never allowed myself to grieve before. I suppressed most negative emotions. I’d sometimes sink into a dark place and either isolate myself or go out and get wrecked and lost being busy with work or whatever else I could do to avoid just feeling those feelings. However, this time around I didn’t have the choice. All of the things that had happened all hit me at once and I just buckled underneath them all. I had really pushed my own resilience past my limit. Being a self employed solo parent pushed me into asking for and accepting the help I needed. I had to be ok, I had no choice other than to face everything and work through it. And it has saved my life and is making me a happier, stronger and more confident person. I’ve learnt so much from these past few years.

Therapy has taught me so much about myself, my patterns and where they came from. I’ve always struggled to really feel my emotions in my body, if that makes sense. I have had suspected Crohn’s disease in the past which lead to several emergency operations. Those happened at a time of great stress. Since therapy, I can feel when there are knots in my stomach, tension in my back and neck. I notice when I’m clenching my jaw. I hadn’t really been very aware of that before except when I was very ill with Crohn’s. I’d tried very much to avoid it. Sea swimming was a wee epiphany for that. I’ll go on about that in more detail soon.

While I started therapy and had to allow myself to sit with and experience all those negatives I was still trying to work, get my kid sorted for his first year at school (not lose it too hard in front of him), and work as best I could. I talked a lot to friends. I am lucky to have some very very good friends. But most of the time I spent with them involved sitting in my favourite bar drinking too much wine as I wept through my feelings and stories. Acting like a real prick to someone kind when I’d had too much to drink one evening earlier this year made me realise just how unhealthy some of my ways of coping or unwinding had become. I think we can all be guilty of allowing what start as fun ways of de-stressing to become unhealthy and toxic patterns. That just helps us avoid negative feelings instead of processing them and seeing that they too are transient and hold value. I’m going to write more soon about how much I’m loving finding some self confidence and feeling more present through being sober.

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It’s not an easy process going through therapy and some times it is dark as hell and quite lonely. But I would recommend it to everyone. We all carry so much crap around with us, which we project onto those we love or we people please or we isolate or overcompensate or fall into habits, addictions or have thought patterns that are unhealthy and hold us back from really living. I’d say to anyone struggling with anything, whether it feels like a small recurring thing that niggles at you or you know you have some brutal trauma that you haven’t worked through, ask for and accept the help you need. It won’t be easy but you will never regret it. Research, read up about your feelings and experiences, learn that you aren’t alone in any way, challenge the patterns you rely on, talk to people you trust, change your experiences, process why you feel shame for just being human, give yourself time and rest to process it all gently, don’t pressure yourself to think whatever it is will resolve instantly. Don’t put it off until you reach crisis point. Therapy can be preventative, confidence building and explorative, it’s not just for those in the real shit.

“When I see people stand fully in their truth, or when I see someone fall down, get back up and say, ‘Damn, that really hurt but this is important to me and I’m going in again’ my gut reaction is, ‘what a badass’.””

— Brene Brown

That quote above, I read it recently and I thought ‘I love that and those kinds of people, I totally agree’ but didn’t even think to apply it to myself. So i’ve written this and now maybe I can!! I hope I don’t sound like some smug preachy asshole, I very much don’t feel like one. I’m saying all of this because the whole process has made me reassess everything, including my work. it has made me face most of my deepest fears and I’m still here. Not perfect but growing, accepting and trying. I am also still guilty of sometimes sabotaging myself and holding back. I want to involve the positives I’ve learnt in my work, to grow communities, to share the dark so we can really value and enjoy the light. It all goes to inform how I live and work. Tiny changes. Here’s my manifesto for the future.

I want to share as I rebuild - I want to keep exploring my own creative voice. I won’t reduce myself for anyone - I am not too much and I don’t feel too much. I am passionate about the things I love and that is a wonderful thing. I want to enjoy my work and to feel really enlivened by and grateful for all my shared experiences. I want to keep sharing the hard stuff incase it helps support someone else in kick starting whatever they’re blocking themselves from. I’ll keep on sharing my experiences and lessons with honesty, try to quit sabotaging myself, manage my time in healthy ways. I’m gonna keep on talking about having body confidence, trying to live in a more sustainable and kind way, what I’m learning from the self care my therapist and experiences are teaching me, the books and resources I find helpful…

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I feel really positive and calm just now. I know that I’ve still got plenty of battles to fight - rebuilding a business that’s been a little neglected while I work through all of this, learning healthy ways to manage time, finding a space to work from out of our home so I don’t feel isolated and making sure I don’t fall back into old patterns…but I feel a new confidence that it’ll all work out how it should. I’d love it if you came with my on my wee journey.

I’ve left comments on incase there is anything you want to share directly here. And my unhelpful words project is still open to anyone. Just email me to arrange to take part. See my previous blog posts for more info on that.

Thanks for reading and I really do love pizza and walking along the beach.
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