We Have A Code Red Situation

Right right right, not to be too dramatic but we have a code red situation. It’s even a kind of double difficulty.

This last couple of months has been excruciating. I’ve been waiting to hear about some big life stuff on top of processing all the yadda yadda stuff, learning more about ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria and how much people pleasing has played its part in those dark things that have happened to me.

At the start of April I was recalled to Gynaecology at the hospital. Turns out that shit consultant I moaned about at the time (over a year ago when I was bleeding out after getting the covid vaccines - he told me I must have been reading conspiracy theories on Mumsnet, I mean, know yer audience, pal) hadn’t followed up the fact that there were markers in my blood that could indicate ovarian cancer.

Yup. So when he said he didn’t want to send me for the scan my GP requested because ‘if I send you for that scan then old Doris doesn’t get hers and what if she has cancer.’ I sincerely hope he didn’t scare Doris off from getting that scan. It’s up to a torturous 8 week wait for the blood test result. That’s a very long time. As a single parent you find yourself begging the universe for good news so your kid doesn’t have to go through seeing you get treatment or worse. It feels fucking tough right now. Even just getting your head around the idea that as a freelancer and solo parent, how would you deal with the logistics of treatment and looking after your kid. But I’m trying not to dwell. I’ve been on operating tables before, I’ve nearly died a few times and I’m pretty good at dissociating so I’m sure if it’s shit news I’ll get through it. It’s how you do that for yourself and reassure a wee kid that I’m struggling with when I think about it all potentially being crap news.

And this all kicked off at the same time that I realised I am literally terrified of men, even ones I feel safe around and want to spend time with, I’ll either freeze up with mad anxiety or avoid spending time with them at all right now. Turns out the nasty part of getting through all the shite men stuff is that you start to remember so many specific things that you buried and you have all these difficult conversations with other women so basically nowhere feels safe from these bams. Like fuck can they keep my swagger, though. I just need to take my time to find enough of a sense of safety that the panic dissipates. But that’s also tricky cos apparently rapists like to be in Edinburgh in the summer and you aren’t meant to lynch them.

I’ve always struggled with the feeling like I’m a burden. And here’s what this ramble is really all about. I’m sure other folks who had no idea they were neurodivergent for a long time have gone through the realisation that you aren’t too much or too intense or whatever, you are just fucking neurodivergent. I see myself starting to isolate from folks cos it doesn’t feel like a fair thing to be asking for attention when your mental health is in the toilet and you have this huge thing hanging over you, I appreciate we’ve all got shit to deal with. But that’s usually when you need people the most. Meh. I’ve had days when I’ve been really focussed on making daft art to distract myself, I’ve been pushing forward with work changes that had been in the back of my mind for a while but there’s nothing like a cancer scare to really make you face what is and isn’t working for you. Some days have been really hard going. It just feels like there’s a replacement bus service and it’s taking a really shit route.

So looking for the positives and all that, it’s really made me look at all the things I do with my time. If you’ve ever seen The Twilight Sad live you’ll know James Graham’s onstage patter is incredibly honest and always filled with gratitude. I saw them a few months ago and he spoke about how real success in life is having time for the things and the people that fill you up and that’s why he’s always so vocal about being grateful when they play. And he’s right. I love that I have managed to build a wee life for me and my kid off the back of my creativity. I don’t take that for granted in any way. I know so many incredibly talented people who struggle to make any money out of their art and I feel like a fraud for pulling it off through shooting lots of weddings.

But at the same time, I’ve been working for myself shooting mostly weddings since I was pregnant and my kid will be 10 this summer. To even do an average of a couple of weddings a month over the year you tend to have to shoot a heap of them over summer as it all slows down and there’s way less work in winter. So effectively you are missing all the sunny times and working solidly through the holidays, you are working when everyone else is socialising. Then you are twiddling your thumbs over the bleak months. And as a single person coming to terms with some shady past experiences to spend nearly every weekend (or over the last couple of years some months I was shooting 8 or 9 weddings) in that heightened emotional environment, hearing all these lovely vulnerable things about partnerships and love and to go home alone every night after them for like a decade is not so great for your mental health!

This year I’ve way less wedding work than usual and I’m putting some limits on the number of jobs I take on in the future. I’m still here for them just not in such high doses. And I’m still doing the Elopement Society stuff but I’m also simplifying things there as I’d put myself under financial and time pressure to promote other people’s work. I really need to focus on me and what I want. And that is time with good people, it’s getting into some good trouble, making art and collaborating, dancing at gigs, being on the beach for some summer, making happy memories for my son before he’s a teenager and too busy to hang out with me.

I’m a bit nervous about pulling away the financial safety net a bit but I’m also very excited to see where things go with my photography work. I’ve been doing way more portraiture and some brand commissions lately which I really enjoy, bring me all of those, please. And there’s a something with my personal work coming at some point once I’ve wiped all the shite off the fan.

So yeah, everything has my anxiety off the charts, I don’t want to burden anyone cos I know we all have our shit going on and I also really need people but am exhausted. A great cycle of social terror going round in circles in my head right now. Ppppft, heavy isn’t it? I’m not very good at asking for help but I need adventures, I need hugs, I need music, I need good folks around. And the anxiety stuff all just takes time I guess so bring me all your kindness and patience, please. I’ll keep trying my best to be present. And I think I share all of this stuff cos I don’t see any shame in it, life isn’t all good times but I’m also not a negative person. You have to face the past to get past it or whatever the saying is. Que sera sera and all that. I’ll stop grumbling now but for real, what the actual fuck, eh? I feel like I’m always just on here for a piss and moan but actually I feel lighter from just typing it so maybes it’s ok. I will regain my funny wee guy status one day soon. Law of averages says I’m due some big laughs.

Thank you to the handful of folk I’ve been talking to about this. I wasn’t sure it was something I should share but fuck it, I’m bored of wandering about with my face tripping me. Wish me luck in the rest of the wait cos I could lose it (and if I do, I hope I go for the fur coat and fags on a swan pedalo vibes, I reckon I could pull that off as ‘just a bit eccentric’) x