…well, maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.

No word of a lie, I nearly died choking on a raggy bit of toilet paper I accidentally inhaled while blowing my nose and I was like, well fuck it, you can literally die trying to keep yer nose clean so now I’m going to just do whatever.

Since then I’ve moved out of my very expensive and lonely studio space, sorted closing my wee online store, I’ve had a (pretty much) secret birthday and really enjoyed a migraine, started getting petty and snide whenever anyone who I don’t want around annoys me so nothing crazy but I feel great. Yet to rob a bank but give me time…

“I must change my life so I can live it, not wait for it.”

— Susan Sontag

I get annoyed with myself for all sorts of things, mostly for the way my brain can’t really prioritise so instead I’m constantly aware of every single thing that needs doing to be a functioning adult. It’s noisy in there. I start mumbling about pandering to the machine and wishing I could go and laugh my ass off on some moss. Some of the stuff we need to do just cos we’re alive so it means we owe folks money is wild isn’t it? And while the French are setting fire to everything we’re just sitting about moaning.

edinburgh photographer, solen collet, solen photography, scotland photographer, documentary photography

In my own wee world I’m doing a consolidation dance cos I had given myself too many plates to spin and it feels really good to start to see the space. From this weekend, I’ve got a rare 6 days in a row kid and paid work free to get some of the ideas that have been bubbling away actually made so I’m looking forward to losing my mind when I can’t get things to work the way I’d like or I break the one bit of kit that brings it all together. Come and distract me so I can blame you for my procrastination (best put in a disclaimer: if you are someone I want to see). Trying not to overcomplicate things, which I tend to do but I have some other ideas I’ll be sharing with folks soon. Speaking of which, I knackered my neck from trying to lift heavy as fuck furniture and ended up with a migraine. The opiates and anti-nausea medication had me in a wee writing frenzy from nowhere, a whole day of frantic typing and then a nap, type and nap. It was a very enjoyable mix of physical pain and emotional joy. Said like a true masochist.

So yeah, I recommend nearly dying choking on toilet roll. I’m now focussed on using magic and sarcasm to steer me towards my dreams. This year has been nuts for me, I’m getting a handle on a lot of things I’ve never really faced up to before and it feels good but there are still stumbling blocks, I still find myself on guard when I don’t want to be or questioning my abilities. I realised I still very much communicate as if I’m a burden to people instead of being direct about what I want and need. Finding my baws and giving them a wee feel all the time.

My birthday was wholesome fun this year (as a vampire I lost interest in birthdays many moons ago), just me and my son, eating fried stuff outside on the beach, visiting our favourite places in East Lothian, being pals with nature, moaning at the crap vinyl in the charity shops of North Berwick. We were outside for 10 hours on the bounce which is the first time this year we’d been able to do that and it felt so good we’ve done it again since with pals. We’re so lucky to have all these beautiful beaches right by our home. Eating way too many chips though.

I had lunch (no chips) recently with a pal who always gets me thinking about things, she’s very good at gently pushing me towards the creative work I’m always flapping about instead of just getting on with. We were talking about the old saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and I think in some ways it’s actually how I always end up communicating. I don’t really compare my photography work to my peers that much cos I’m too much of a space cadet to pay attention to anyone else but I tend to try to connect to folks by talking about my own experiences that relate to their chat as a way of saying I get what they’re on about. And I think through comparison I’ve also learned loads about my own unhealthy cycles of behaviour to be aware not to fall into them again and to notice the differences in situations.

Conversation thread curve but I also found yet another Natasha Lyonne podcast interview (she’s my religion) also talking about creativity and collaborative work. She spoke about how she’s found her work is now mostly just play with her friends that evolves into bigger ideas and projects. There’s also chat about how we should all just play more like we did as kids and how much easier we are around each other before the world jades us all out. I love that bit of getting to know someone new where you can’t yet tell if they’re totally taking the piss or stone cold serious so you both end up throwing some curves to test the water. I wish we all just played like kids more. I think we all spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking or doing and we gatekeep ourselves too much and just be a weirdo cos seeing how weirdo (I’m not talking charles manson weird) brains work is the best. So I think I just contradicted myself once again there but we’re all multitudes eh

Since my unglamourous near departure I’ve promised myself to stop beating myself up about my faults, to stop letting people mess with my psychology and to just be the full scale five foot one and a half legend that I am. Just vent and then get back to living the dream. Remember we’re floating in space and nobody will care what Japandi means or what Elon Musk is doing with his blue tick when the world blows up so live laugh love and all that. Choose smut and shambolic decadence, maybe some sleepy chaos.