Cheers for Now

Here’s to fresh starts and new beginnings.

THANK YOU to everyone who made and came along to the resident artists’ exhibition at Out of the Blue Drill Hall. Cheers now for the dairy box too. Delicious.

It felt really good, despite being a last minute chaotic scramble to pull something together at the same time as moving studios and busy work and all the usual. I was a bit shy about putting them out there, they feel like wee bites from a feast I want to cook. It’s been sweet to hear positive things and to have conversations about how others have interpreted things too. 

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I’ve been purposefully erratic on some of my corners of the internet of late. I’ve been smoking out the unwelcome. Can confirm they lurk like stale farts pretty much everywhere. I’ve been speaking to the platforms about safety and basically they don’t give a fuck. You can’t really block them and they’ll just make a new account if you could.

So the only thing you can really do is just be more yourself and shout more for and to the people you want to communicate with. You have to learn to just ignore the fact you are also being hunted for sport by multiple predatory folk. It sounds insane to even type it but the police have confirmed to me that I am not crazy. And I don’t relish speaking to the police. Enough about all that for now. I think it’s been a necessary and annoying part of the process of letting all of those triggers for feeling unsafe go.

I’m changing up the password for folks who read Lost and Found soon and I’ll write about how recent news and experiences have helped me to find some confidence. I’m just needing some space from all of that for a bit.

Lost and Found is a private blog where I gripe and grumble a lot but usually it ends up positive and hopeful cos, well, I’m fucked if doesn’t.

It’s been lovely to realise I’m not paranoid, (not massively) delusional, I’m not a burden, I’m not even that chaotic. I’ve just been an easy target for a lot of other people’s anger and difficult feelings and I’ve internalised a lot of it. I’ve shamed myself for the ways my body reacts now to try to make sure I’m safe. The things that people who’ve been in abusive relationships internalise and can hold on to is wild. It does create depression, anxiety, symptoms of complex post traumatic disorder but you have to learn to manage those things as best you can. Learning to stay present is a huge thing for me. I’m prone to dissociating and brain fog and all that stuff. Iyengar yoga, running, swimming in the cold sea, dancing, it’s all helping to bring me back to the present when things get a bit fuckin much, which it’s been doing a lot lately, if you read the news.

I’ve been talking a lot with friends who’ve gone through similar experiences and we all have taken a long time to unfurl the projections we’ve been convinced are ours to carry. It’s the most amazing thing to hear these pals recognise their worth finally. Very proud to know some beautiful souls who, despite true violence and untold amounts of bullshit, refuse to give in to bitterness and they just carry on being kind humble legends.

“I can accept your faulty perception of me.”

Always coming back to that powerful phrase and keeping the faith. I refuse to let any of it make me bitter either. I’m a lover not a fighter and all that.

So I’ve been gathering all this intel, these experiences and feelings to make some work this coming winter. Too many ideas, as always. But looking forward to being able to create positive things from shitty places. It’s a superpower using our creativity. I found the dafter stuff I put together for the exhibition, like my unfinished concertina book that won’t stay folded and my wee flipbook that fell apart more times than it worked, put a soppy grin on my face and that’s a nice place to be. The Drill Hall is a lush space to work from. You’ve got your own wee private space to hyperfocus and get through your workload and there’s always a friendly face in the cafe for a chat too. It’s been really good to meet new neighbours (and some pals who have spaces here), along with some folks I know who have classes in the space and friends who’ve popped by. I feel like I’m in the right place to expand and grow and be the wee weirdo I am. 

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Getting stuck in about finally sharing some of the summer’s work and I’ve uploaded galleries for a couple of events with the lush wee team at Aetla. I’ve more to share soon too. There’s also a couple of brand commissions and I can’t remember if I mentioned on here that there’s also a gallery of promotional headshots from a shoot with social activist and author, Emily Kenway so I’ll just say it again. Some links on the buttons below to most of the new stuff.

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Love is real.

Trust your gut.

I still believe in people.

The world is burning but it’s full of magic.

We’ll always get there in the end.

Cheers for now.

xx

Ok, so NOW I’M HAVING FUN.

Heyyy

I thought for folks who follow my ramblings I should write a little update on how I’m doing after all the big things that have kicked off and surfaced the last wee while.

I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.

July is my busiest work month of the year and also the school holidays so should traditionally mean stressy juggling nightmare but I’m feeling so good right now. I just feel way more myself. I feel things are flowing and I feel myself relax and smile more. There’s still that thing of ‘where’s the catch? When does it come crashing down?’ but I’m managing to ignore it for the most part. Thank you to the legends who have stuck around, listened to my rantings, let me cry it all out, brought me their own truth, which helped me feel human. All the love to the guardian angel who chased away abusive stalkery types with their tail between their legs. What can I say? I’m a sexual powerhouse, they all come back for more or try to hate me to death for cutting them off.

I know, I know, those abusive things aren’t anything to do with sex, they’re about violence and control. But they deeply affect how you view sex and your own desires, your own body. But it feels truly amazing to have gone from feeling completely stressed out, worried about my physical health and so profoundly raging at how my body still reacts to the past that I couldn’t even bare to look at handsome faces, to feeling calm and confident. It’s been very much not fun to go through. I’m proud of myself and I’m very very grateful for you folks.

If you are wondering what I’m talking about, you can join Lost and Found, where I’ve moved all my previous posts to. It’s a space where I’m sharing some writing about things that stick in my mind, that I struggle to process and that make me feel very human. I go full circle with things a lot, I still struggle to listen to my gut and to follow my instinct. Thank you to the pals who keep reminding me that it’s ok to trust myself. I’m writing about how the hardest part of carrying this difficult past experience is how difficult it makes it to believe that good things are real. I’m taking my time to write it but will share it on Lost and Found some time soon-ish.

The things that some of my pals and I have had to endure lately are wild, all the things I’ve spoken of on here are just scratching the surface. I wish we all spoke more openly about abusive behaviours, were taught about consent and boundaries in school, treated everyone with the same respect, didn’t think we had the right to lord over the autonomy of anyone else, for whatever reason.

The whole Jonah Hill thing is very interesting to witness, although it feels like it’s mostly women paying attention or asking if there actually are any resources for men to read about misogyny and all that. Learning about my own entitlement and reading about rejection sensitivity are definitely helping me to move my thinking habits to healthier places.

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I’ve got some processes I want to learn and play with and actual tangible things I want to make and hold in my hands. But I need to get July’s work all done first. There’s more time from August to get stuck into things. Can we go dancing and staring at paintings that you aren’t meant to touch but really want to? I hate to wish away time and especially summer, I want to savour any sun we get on our flesh. But I’m also bursting to get stuck into some creative work and all the ideas are piling up as ever, my constant frustration. Need to work on my constraints. The more of those the better I guess or the ideas just keep coming and coming and then the overwhelm and nothing happens. Making more with less and all that. Also I need to just stop being so impatient with myself, winter will be long enough to do all the things I don’t have time for right now.

I’d hidden loads of old posts on @solornothing to give myself a hard time about not getting stuck into a specific project but being all scattered all over but I added them back the other night and it was wild to read the peaks and troughs over the last couple of years. I probably make more sense now with more context.

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Last weekend was a busy working weekend. Saturday was one of those deeply emotional little weddings that just blow my mind. Wedderlie House in the Borders is a beautiful venue, it’s basically got everything you need for a fancy party and they run a tight ship. The ceremony was held in a little walled rose garden, in full bloom, the weather was wild and the vows were off the charts beautiful to the point that their celebrant and half the guests were also in tears. I lost it and cried 4 times over the day. Some couples just have amazing chemistry and don’t let their shyness dull it down. They promised to always support and challenge each other to pursue their dreams and to make life an adventure together and it was fucking great. I loved it.

It rained during their meal but we sneaked out for a quiet second after it stopped, just hanging out on this tennis court cos the ground was less muddy (the grounds are a total playground of possibilities too). I chucked on a song and put my phone in the groom’s pocket and let them have a second. They were both in tears by halfway through the song and I heard him say, ‘this is your favourite moment, isn’t it?’ and then I lost it. We had a big cry and a group hug. The power of music. One of their lovely guests then told me to remember it’s a good thing to be in tune and to give myself permission to lose it cos it’s all love and joy. Then the swines had the band play Into the Mystic and oooft. Aff the charts dopamine surge, followed by some gentle times in the sun after work on Sunday, just kind of being in awe of some of the things I get to witness and be a small part of. I had to literally roll about in the sand with some tunes on to ground myself, felt like I needed someone to squeeze my soul back into my body. I went for a ‘swim’ with my pal Danni. We sat in the murky minging water which I think was mainly overflow from the heavy rain and some human shit mixed with jellyfish but hey, so long as you don’t drink it you’ll get a wee rush.

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Back to Aetla for another shoot tonight. I’m having a good time working with this little creative team, they’re so so good at what they do. We’ve worked a bunch together lately and I’ve been loving every minute, can’t wait to share some of it soon. Then my kid is back on Saturday. This is the longest he’s ever been away and it’s very quiet around here. The mice are missing his crumbs. And I’ve got about a dozen shoots to add on here, not including any wedding work so I’m chasing my tail as ever. We’re going on an adventure for a few days soon so work can wait for a second.

I’m just glad to feel a lot calmer and happier. I’m feeling intensely grateful for the folks who let me be the toxic wee asshole for a second, who let me rant from one extreme to the other about things and then meet myself somewhere in the middle, who don’t judge me as I work through it all. Most of you are kind of far away and I can’t wait until you are near for some long tight hugs and maybe a few good tears x

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WORK WITH ME

Digital and analogue photography portraiture ->

portrait sessions

Crack yourself wide open like a nut and butter the world with yer alchemy.

How’s it going?

Did everyone go through the good news portal with me on Friday 9 June? Obviously out there is abject misery mostly but I’ve had the fucking best time since I managed to rob those test results and stop fretting.

Last week was really incredible for conversations with amazing folks, very inspirational chat, my brain’s been whirring away with ideas. I really enjoyed working on a brand commission and some portrait sessions. Best of all, I gave myself a proper treat of a road trip. Mostly thanks to an offer from some clients to guinea pig their new holiday home. I spent a few nights away from home and just indulged myself in all the good stuff and some summer cliches. I’m a not nonchalant as fuck wee thing, I feel everything deeply, including all the good stuff when it invariably comes back around. I feel so very lucky. I had a few days were I felt like I wasn’t in a constant state of fight or flight, that I could just be. I’m very much trying to keep it that way.

Anyways, I swam (peed) in 2 seas, a pool and for the first time, in a loch. In the loch, it was just me and a beautiful little blue dragonfly dancing around my face. It was shallow so the water was warm, the colour of a fine malt but very much did not taste like one. Well slidy rocks though, no sultry way in or out of that bad boy. Geologied out ma nut in there till the thunder came.

I spent a whole day in my pants on a remote beach, making cyanotype sun prints, shooting some film, swimming and writing. For me, I struggle to get into a flow with making things, my time is all as scattered as my thoughts and I’m shit with routine even thought I need discipline, so little rituals help a lot. They help me to ground myself, to self regulate when the nasty stuff surfaces from nowhere and to focus. I was having such an idyllic time I had a ‘fucking rob and sell everything that’s not tied down, get a fancy winnebago and fuck off into the sunset’ kind of vibe going. Then I got stuck behind one for like 8 hours on the road home and ugh.

I stayed at a hotel one night last week which was overrun with grumpy old couples sitting eating in silence. It was amazing. You could hear a pin drop in the restaurant. Well, except for this one old boy who was British but speaking in French and only really at the other guy’s wife who I’m 100% sure he was trying to seduce. His wife was livid. The other guy silent. It was delicious to watch. The wife eyed me up and down later on and I just beamed at her. I fucking love that type of people watching. That’s not even the observation. The point being literally all the men in a small town like that will look at you with the hungry eyes as they usually only get to chat to grumpy pensioners.

I’ve been hatching plans to bring some of my personal work together into one tangible thing but I’ve not made it yet so sssh. I love how I only ever figure these things out just in time for busy work time and school holidays. The idea involves learning some new processes. I need to give myself a challenge so it’s all good. I want to take my time with it all but I’m also self aware enough to know that if there isn’t a deadline it could take forever.

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I’ve been doing all the growing (mostly my belly thanks to the depression diet of the last wee while). Here’s my random recent anecdotes/observations:

I went for a run one morning last week in the heat. I’m really not very fit at all, exercise always come last in our busy house. Also I prefer dancing and shagging. But there’s nothing like a cancer scare to get you moving. I always have the tunes on loud to drown out the wheezing. I must have been proper puffing and panting cos some grandad stopped gardening to stand and clap me on. Not really the sign of a passing athlete.

The whole time I’m thinking, ‘fucksake, I can’t do this, I’ll never be any good, I’m not good enough, I can’t’ etc etc and then I get to the Mussel sculpture that folks always seem to say is a clam but hiya, it’s Musselburgh. And the penny drops that I’ve done halfway despite telling myself I can’t. I’m already doing it, despite myself. I’m already doing it. And the rest of the way back I realise I do this about most things in life and now I just need to tell the anxious thoughts to shut up and listen and watch cos I’m already fucking doing it. So that’s my new mantra, every time I feel myself start to ruminate or catastophize. Pipe down hen, you’re already doing it.

As high priestess Ru Paul says, “Don’t let your feelings sabotage your experience in this life. Do not.” I think a lot of the anger I was carrying was cos I’ve been so frustrating feeling like past experience being stuck in my nervous system was the same as self sabotage but it’s not, it’s just my body learnt to protect me, which is amazing. It just takes more time than for some to learn when you are safe. So I’m not going to hide away from anything anymore and I’m not going to blame myself for being human.

Why would you not chase after dreams, like why the fuck would you not? We’re here one time. It’s only small minded people who would ever tell you not to go after something that filled you with joy. I had this amazing conversation with a client who I’m delighted to have worked with a couple of times recently and will again soon. Having been in relationships with men who try to keep you small by undermining your creative voice or self expression or personality or confidence… they’re maybe doing that cos they’re intimated. Perhaps they have to be the creative one as a lot of it is just posturing and not from a genuine place. Those types of men are not open to being collaborative as they come from ego and also they just think women have a place, a supporting role, making the tea, being the good little wife or a dirty hoebag, whatever. When I was younger I mistook narcissistic peacocking for real self expression in some.

I think creative people are generally full of wonder at things and want to see others create and express themselves freely as it’s inspiring and magic to witness. But there are just some truly vapid talentless pricks out there, that you maybe meet as a naive teenager, who have always been cringe but have no idea how funny their attempts at songs are. Music really does heal in very wild ways sometimes. Ask me for the link, it’s like a brutal parody, pure car crash and it’s very very cathartic to genuinely laugh in the face of your rapist.

Also stay the fuck away from people who think speaking your truth is being dramatic or openly sharing struggles is being miserable. Nothing and nobody is perfect and it would be dull if it was. We’re all shit at times but to grow and be kind with ourselves and others has to start with us being honest about the depths of who we are, what we feel, think, want. And we have to push past comfort to really thrive and take responsibility for our actions. But also to talk about difficult stuff in any detail you have to have got to a certain point in healing yourself from the hurts of it all. To be in your joyful times you have to face all the crappy ones. I’ve never appreciated good times more than I do now, I’m living a life I always wanted to build and it can be hard but it’s worth it all.

Crack yourself wide open like a nut and butter the world with yer alchemy.

And for anyone who’s been following my recent chat, I still haven’t officially heard from the doctor. Lost count but sure it’s been 3 whole months. I’m so glad for women who break the rules or I’d still be anxiously waiting to see if I then needed to wait on a scan to then find out if etc etc…that’s a whole other rant about protecting the NHS and not treating public services like assets to strip for cronies’ gains.

Some of the stuff I made on the beach and my travels will no doubt show up on here soon enough, I’ve still to develop the film and all that stuff. This week I’m catching up on edits, trying to schedule some posts about all the work I’ve been doing (swearing at fuckin apps), along with a couple of shoots. In the meantime, a very lucky little beach witch is sending you all some good times x

LADS, THERE’S BEEN A PERFECT STORM

…well, maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.

No word of a lie, I nearly died choking on a raggy bit of toilet paper I accidentally inhaled while blowing my nose and I was like, well fuck it, you can literally die trying to keep yer nose clean so now I’m going to just do whatever.

Since then I’ve moved out of my very expensive and lonely studio space, sorted closing my wee online store, I’ve had a (pretty much) secret birthday and really enjoyed a migraine, started getting petty and snide whenever anyone who I don’t want around annoys me so nothing crazy but I feel great. Yet to rob a bank but give me time…

“I must change my life so I can live it, not wait for it.”

— Susan Sontag

I get annoyed with myself for all sorts of things, mostly for the way my brain can’t really prioritise so instead I’m constantly aware of every single thing that needs doing to be a functioning adult. It’s noisy in there. I start mumbling about pandering to the machine and wishing I could go and laugh my ass off on some moss. Some of the stuff we need to do just cos we’re alive so it means we owe folks money is wild isn’t it? And while the French are setting fire to everything we’re just sitting about moaning.

In my own wee world I’m doing a consolidation dance cos I had given myself too many plates to spin and it feels really good to start to see the space. From this weekend, I’ve got a rare 6 days in a row kid and paid work free to get some of the ideas that have been bubbling away actually made so I’m looking forward to losing my mind when I can’t get things to work the way I’d like or I break the one bit of kit that brings it all together. Come and distract me so I can blame you for my procrastination (best put in a disclaimer: if you are someone I want to see). Trying not to overcomplicate things, which I tend to do but I have some other ideas I’ll be sharing with folks soon. Speaking of which, I knackered my neck from trying to lift heavy as fuck furniture and ended up with a migraine. The opiates and anti-nausea medication had me in a wee writing frenzy from nowhere, a whole day of frantic typing and then a nap, type and nap. It was a very enjoyable mix of physical pain and emotional joy. Said like a true masochist.

So yeah, I recommend nearly dying choking on toilet roll. I’m now focussed on using magic and sarcasm to steer me towards my dreams. This year has been nuts for me, I’m getting a handle on a lot of things I’ve never really faced up to before and it feels good but there are still stumbling blocks, I still find myself on guard when I don’t want to be or questioning my abilities. I realised I still very much communicate as if I’m a burden to people instead of being direct about what I want and need. Finding my baws and giving them a wee feel all the time.

My birthday was wholesome fun this year (as a vampire I lost interest in birthdays many moons ago), just me and my son, eating fried stuff outside on the beach, visiting our favourite places in East Lothian, being pals with nature, moaning at the crap vinyl in the charity shops of North Berwick. We were outside for 10 hours on the bounce which is the first time this year we’d been able to do that and it felt so good we’ve done it again since with pals. We’re so lucky to have all these beautiful beaches right by our home. Eating way too many chips though.

I had lunch (no chips) recently with a pal who always gets me thinking about things, she’s very good at gently pushing me towards the creative work I’m always flapping about instead of just getting on with. We were talking about the old saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and I think in some ways it’s actually how I always end up communicating. I don’t really compare my photography work to my peers that much cos I’m too much of a space cadet to pay attention to anyone else but I tend to try to connect to folks by talking about my own experiences that relate to their chat as a way of saying I get what they’re on about. And I think through comparison I’ve also learned loads about my own unhealthy cycles of behaviour to be aware not to fall into them again and to notice the differences in situations.

Conversation thread curve but I also found yet another Natasha Lyonne podcast interview (she’s my religion) also talking about creativity and collaborative work. She spoke about how she’s found her work is now mostly just play with her friends that evolves into bigger ideas and projects. There’s also chat about how we should all just play more like we did as kids and how much easier we are around each other before the world jades us all out. I love that bit of getting to know someone new where you can’t yet tell if they’re totally taking the piss or stone cold serious so you both end up throwing some curves to test the water. I wish we all just played like kids more. I think we all spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking or doing and we gatekeep ourselves too much and just be a weirdo cos seeing how weirdo (I’m not talking charles manson weird) brains work is the best. So I think I just contradicted myself once again there but we’re all multitudes eh

Since my unglamourous near departure I’ve promised myself to stop beating myself up about my faults, to stop letting people mess with my psychology and to just be the full scale five foot one and a half legend that I am. Just vent and then get back to living the dream. Remember we’re floating in space and nobody will care what Japandi means or what Elon Musk is doing with his blue tick when the world blows up so live laugh love and all that. Choose smut and shambolic decadence, maybe some sleepy chaos.

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