There’s nothing shameful in life being a double edged sword, we can write and if it touches someone, or it helps them to feel less alone then what a gift we’ve found in amongst the chaos.
Ok, so NOW I’M HAVING FUN.
I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.
Heyyy
I thought for folks who follow my ramblings I should write a little update on how I’m doing after all the big things that have kicked off and surfaced the last wee while.
I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.
July is my busiest work month of the year and also the school holidays so should traditionally mean stressy juggling nightmare but I’m feeling so good right now. I just feel way more myself. I feel things are flowing and I feel myself relax and smile more. There’s still that thing of ‘where’s the catch? When does it come crashing down?’ but I’m managing to ignore it for the most part. Thank you to the legends who have stuck around, listened to my rantings, let me cry it all out, brought me their own truth, which helped me feel human. All the love to the guardian angel who chased away abusive stalkery types with their tail between their legs. What can I say? I’m a sexual powerhouse, they all come back for more or try to hate me to death for cutting them off.
I know, I know, those abusive things aren’t anything to do with sex, they’re about violence and control. But they deeply affect how you view sex and your own desires, your own body. But it feels truly amazing to have gone from feeling completely stressed out, worried about my physical health and so profoundly raging at how my body still reacts to the past that I couldn’t even bare to look at handsome faces, to feeling calm and confident. It’s been very much not fun to go through. I’m proud of myself and I’m very very grateful for you folks.
If you are wondering what I’m talking about, you can join Lost and Found, where I’ve moved all my previous posts to. It’s a space where I’m sharing some writing about things that stick in my mind, that I struggle to process and that make me feel very human. I go full circle with things a lot, I still struggle to listen to my gut and to follow my instinct. Thank you to the pals who keep reminding me that it’s ok to trust myself. I’m writing about how the hardest part of carrying this difficult past experience is how difficult it makes it to believe that good things are real. I’m taking my time to write it but will share it on Lost and Found some time soon-ish.
The things that some of my pals and I have had to endure lately are wild, all the things I’ve spoken of on here are just scratching the surface. I wish we all spoke more openly about abusive behaviours, were taught about consent and boundaries in school, treated everyone with the same respect, didn’t think we had the right to lord over the autonomy of anyone else, for whatever reason.
The whole Jonah Hill thing is very interesting to witness, although it feels like it’s mostly women paying attention or asking if there actually are any resources for men to read about misogyny and all that. Learning about my own entitlement and reading about rejection sensitivity are definitely helping me to move my thinking habits to healthier places.
I’ve got some processes I want to learn and play with and actual tangible things I want to make and hold in my hands. But I need to get July’s work all done first. There’s more time from August to get stuck into things. Can we go dancing and staring at paintings that you aren’t meant to touch but really want to? I hate to wish away time and especially summer, I want to savour any sun we get on our flesh. But I’m also bursting to get stuck into some creative work and all the ideas are piling up as ever, my constant frustration. Need to work on my constraints. The more of those the better I guess or the ideas just keep coming and coming and then the overwhelm and nothing happens. Making more with less and all that. Also I need to just stop being so impatient with myself, winter will be long enough to do all the things I don’t have time for right now.
I’d hidden loads of old posts on @solornothing to give myself a hard time about not getting stuck into a specific project but being all scattered all over but I added them back the other night and it was wild to read the peaks and troughs over the last couple of years. I probably make more sense now with more context.
Last weekend was a busy working weekend. Saturday was one of those deeply emotional little weddings that just blow my mind. Wedderlie House in the Borders is a beautiful venue, it’s basically got everything you need for a fancy party and they run a tight ship. The ceremony was held in a little walled rose garden, in full bloom, the weather was wild and the vows were off the charts beautiful to the point that their celebrant and half the guests were also in tears. I lost it and cried 4 times over the day. Some couples just have amazing chemistry and don’t let their shyness dull it down. They promised to always support and challenge each other to pursue their dreams and to make life an adventure together and it was fucking great. I loved it.
It rained during their meal but we sneaked out for a quiet second after it stopped, just hanging out on this tennis court cos the ground was less muddy (the grounds are a total playground of possibilities too). I chucked on a song and put my phone in the groom’s pocket and let them have a second. They were both in tears by halfway through the song and I heard him say, ‘this is your favourite moment, isn’t it?’ and then I lost it. We had a big cry and a group hug. The power of music. One of their lovely guests then told me to remember it’s a good thing to be in tune and to give myself permission to lose it cos it’s all love and joy. Then the swines had the band play Into the Mystic and oooft. Aff the charts dopamine surge, followed by some gentle times in the sun after work on Sunday, just kind of being in awe of some of the things I get to witness and be a small part of. I had to literally roll about in the sand with some tunes on to ground myself, felt like I needed someone to squeeze my soul back into my body. I went for a ‘swim’ with my pal Danni. We sat in the murky minging water which I think was mainly overflow from the heavy rain and some human shit mixed with jellyfish but hey, so long as you don’t drink it you’ll get a wee rush.
Back to Aetla for another shoot tonight. I’m having a good time working with this little creative team, they’re so so good at what they do. We’ve worked a bunch together lately and I’ve been loving every minute, can’t wait to share some of it soon. Then my kid is back on Saturday. This is the longest he’s ever been away and it’s very quiet around here. The mice are missing his crumbs. And I’ve got about a dozen shoots to add on here, not including any wedding work so I’m chasing my tail as ever. We’re going on an adventure for a few days soon so work can wait for a second.
I’m just glad to feel a lot calmer and happier. I’m feeling intensely grateful for the folks who let me be the toxic wee asshole for a second, who let me rant from one extreme to the other about things and then meet myself somewhere in the middle, who don’t judge me as I work through it all. Most of you are kind of far away and I can’t wait until you are near for some long tight hugs and maybe a few good tears x
WORK WITH ME
Digital and analogue photography portraiture ->
LADS, THERE’S BEEN A PERFECT STORM
Lads, there’s been a perfect storm… or maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.
…well, maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.
No word of a lie, I nearly died choking on a raggy bit of toilet paper I accidentally inhaled while blowing my nose and I was like, well fuck it, you can literally die trying to keep yer nose clean so now I’m going to just do whatever.
Since then I’ve moved out of my very expensive and lonely studio space, sorted closing my wee online store, I’ve had a (pretty much) secret birthday and really enjoyed a migraine, started getting petty and snide whenever anyone who I don’t want around annoys me so nothing crazy but I feel great. Yet to rob a bank but give me time…
“I must change my life so I can live it, not wait for it.”
I get annoyed with myself for all sorts of things, mostly for the way my brain can’t really prioritise so instead I’m constantly aware of every single thing that needs doing to be a functioning adult. It’s noisy in there. I start mumbling about pandering to the machine and wishing I could go and laugh my ass off on some moss. Some of the stuff we need to do just cos we’re alive so it means we owe folks money is wild isn’t it? And while the French are setting fire to everything we’re just sitting about moaning.
In my own wee world I’m doing a consolidation dance cos I had given myself too many plates to spin and it feels really good to start to see the space. From this weekend, I’ve got a rare 6 days in a row kid and paid work free to get some of the ideas that have been bubbling away actually made so I’m looking forward to losing my mind when I can’t get things to work the way I’d like or I break the one bit of kit that brings it all together. Come and distract me so I can blame you for my procrastination (best put in a disclaimer: if you are someone I want to see). Trying not to overcomplicate things, which I tend to do but I have some other ideas I’ll be sharing with folks soon. Speaking of which, I knackered my neck from trying to lift heavy as fuck furniture and ended up with a migraine. The opiates and anti-nausea medication had me in a wee writing frenzy from nowhere, a whole day of frantic typing and then a nap, type and nap. It was a very enjoyable mix of physical pain and emotional joy. Said like a true masochist.
So yeah, I recommend nearly dying choking on toilet roll. I’m now focussed on using magic and sarcasm to steer me towards my dreams. This year has been nuts for me, I’m getting a handle on a lot of things I’ve never really faced up to before and it feels good but there are still stumbling blocks, I still find myself on guard when I don’t want to be or questioning my abilities. I realised I still very much communicate as if I’m a burden to people instead of being direct about what I want and need. Finding my baws and giving them a wee feel all the time.
My birthday was wholesome fun this year (as a vampire I lost interest in birthdays many moons ago), just me and my son, eating fried stuff outside on the beach, visiting our favourite places in East Lothian, being pals with nature, moaning at the crap vinyl in the charity shops of North Berwick. We were outside for 10 hours on the bounce which is the first time this year we’d been able to do that and it felt so good we’ve done it again since with pals. We’re so lucky to have all these beautiful beaches right by our home. Eating way too many chips though.
I had lunch (no chips) recently with a pal who always gets me thinking about things, she’s very good at gently pushing me towards the creative work I’m always flapping about instead of just getting on with. We were talking about the old saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and I think in some ways it’s actually how I always end up communicating. I don’t really compare my photography work to my peers that much cos I’m too much of a space cadet to pay attention to anyone else but I tend to try to connect to folks by talking about my own experiences that relate to their chat as a way of saying I get what they’re on about. And I think through comparison I’ve also learned loads about my own unhealthy cycles of behaviour to be aware not to fall into them again and to notice the differences in situations.
Conversation thread curve but I also found yet another Natasha Lyonne podcast interview (she’s my religion) also talking about creativity and collaborative work. She spoke about how she’s found her work is now mostly just play with her friends that evolves into bigger ideas and projects. There’s also chat about how we should all just play more like we did as kids and how much easier we are around each other before the world jades us all out. I love that bit of getting to know someone new where you can’t yet tell if they’re totally taking the piss or stone cold serious so you both end up throwing some curves to test the water. I wish we all just played like kids more. I think we all spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking or doing and we gatekeep ourselves too much and just be a weirdo cos seeing how weirdo (I’m not talking charles manson weird) brains work is the best. So I think I just contradicted myself once again there but we’re all multitudes eh
Since my unglamourous near departure I’ve promised myself to stop beating myself up about my faults, to stop letting people mess with my psychology and to just be the full scale five foot one and a half legend that I am. Just vent and then get back to living the dream. Remember we’re floating in space and nobody will care what Japandi means or what Elon Musk is doing with his blue tick when the world blows up so live laugh love and all that. Choose smut and shambolic decadence, maybe some sleepy chaos.
LET’S SHOOT THE SHIT
Portraits, brand images, event photos, you know the deal…
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage
Meet Cori, of Makeup by Cori who is taking part in my ‘Unhelpful Words’ project… Cori is a big fan of Bill Murray, puns and she tells really very incredibly lame jokes. These are facts.
I promised to gather the troops and launch an attack on the stresses of wedding planning. So we’re easing in gently to this whole sharing thing with a wee bit from Aunty Cori about self care in the planning stages and the nervy hours before the ceremony.
This is Cori of Makeup by Cori (highly recommended FYI) taking part in my ‘Unhelpful Words’ project… Cori is a big fan of Bill Murray, puns and she tells really very incredibly lame jokes. These are facts.
Peep some magic from when Cori and I collaborated on an editorial shoot a wee while back >>
I promised to gather the troops and launch an attack on the stresses of wedding planning. I think all makeup artists and hairdressers are therapists as they tend to have heard it all before and have great advice. So we’re easing in gently to this whole sharing thing with a wee bit from Aunty Cori about self care in the planning stages and the nervy hours before the ceremony. Here’s what she had to say…
““In terms of self-care, if you’re feeling that things are starting to get on top of you then take some time to work out what’s causing you to feel like this. If I’m feeling low, stressed or overwhelmed then I find that it really helps to remove myself from a situation and take some time to myself and try to remember what’s important. Also, talking to people helps.
I’m currently working hard on not feeling guilty about taking time to relax (even though it’s my favourite thing to do)! It’s ok to do nothing and you should make time to do it, whether it’s just having a lie down, reading a book or sitting in your pants all day eating ice-cream and watching trashy TV – don’t feel guilty!
On the wedding day, delegation is the key! You want to sit back and relax so make sure your bridal party know what the schedule is and what tasks they need to do before you walk down the aisle. It’s really important everyone knows when they’ve to be in the makeup chair and when they need to be ready.””
Things that help me when I feel overwhelmed include taking some time to scribble down how I feel to help process it as it often turns out to be past experience triggering stresses. I like making crap collages or printing photos as cyanotypes as I find tactile things calming and they usually end up sketching out my anxieties. I also go for a wander on the beach, jump in the North Sea, go to the modern gallery to stare at some paintings for a bit, make a list of small achievable tasks and pick 3 for that day and leave everything else to later. I’m planning on getting better at naps.
There’s a whole heap of other advice and some chats about sustainable wedding planning, body positivity and all sorts coming soon from some ace humans, so sit tight…In the meantime, here’s some stuff I’ve been watching/reading/listening to lately that’s helped me chill the fuck out…
I’m obsessed with Brene Brown. I recently revisited her original tedtalk on vulnerability and there is a Netflix special about her, go watch and tell me her earrings aren’t prawn crackers…Anyway, I’m deep into her book, Daring Greatly, which I’m loving. It’s like having a coach with a spit bucket and towel by your side at all times.
Raw Milk : A podcast which is great for self employed creatives but I think also has some really useful episodes for helping those navigating the stresses and anxieties of planning a major event like a wedding. In particular, there is some great advice about prioritising when you are facing burn out or your mental and physical health are struggling to keep up with deadlines.
The episodes Navigating Anxiety, Depression and Procrastination as a creative entrepreneur and Connecting to your Spirit through creativity with the painter Satsuki Shibuya discuss learning to say no, learning to recognise your own patterns and what you need to do to cope, how to organise around your strengths and reverse engineering the big goals into small achievable tasks as a way of dealing with overwhelm. I’d recommend these to anyone, they’re not as dry as they sound!!
Also, if you enjoy comedy gold featuring pop stars from the naughties I’d recommend paul _ danan _ official on instagram cos it’s actual genius.
And dinny even get me started on my new addiction of swimming in the Firth of Forth cos that’s a whole big rant in itself…so I’ll no doubt write that soon.
x
More Wedding Ponderings
You’ll find more thoughts on confidence, emotions and choices amongst other important things on our wedding journal. Hop over and have a read — if there’s anything you think you’d like to share, or have us talk about, get in touch.