There’s nothing shameful in life being a double edged sword, we can write and if it touches someone, or it helps them to feel less alone then what a gift we’ve found in amongst the chaos.
Ok, so NOW I’M HAVING FUN.
I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.
Heyyy
I thought for folks who follow my ramblings I should write a little update on how I’m doing after all the big things that have kicked off and surfaced the last wee while.
I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.
July is my busiest work month of the year and also the school holidays so should traditionally mean stressy juggling nightmare but I’m feeling so good right now. I just feel way more myself. I feel things are flowing and I feel myself relax and smile more. There’s still that thing of ‘where’s the catch? When does it come crashing down?’ but I’m managing to ignore it for the most part. Thank you to the legends who have stuck around, listened to my rantings, let me cry it all out, brought me their own truth, which helped me feel human. All the love to the guardian angel who chased away abusive stalkery types with their tail between their legs. What can I say? I’m a sexual powerhouse, they all come back for more or try to hate me to death for cutting them off.
I know, I know, those abusive things aren’t anything to do with sex, they’re about violence and control. But they deeply affect how you view sex and your own desires, your own body. But it feels truly amazing to have gone from feeling completely stressed out, worried about my physical health and so profoundly raging at how my body still reacts to the past that I couldn’t even bare to look at handsome faces, to feeling calm and confident. It’s been very much not fun to go through. I’m proud of myself and I’m very very grateful for you folks.
If you are wondering what I’m talking about, you can join Lost and Found, where I’ve moved all my previous posts to. It’s a space where I’m sharing some writing about things that stick in my mind, that I struggle to process and that make me feel very human. I go full circle with things a lot, I still struggle to listen to my gut and to follow my instinct. Thank you to the pals who keep reminding me that it’s ok to trust myself. I’m writing about how the hardest part of carrying this difficult past experience is how difficult it makes it to believe that good things are real. I’m taking my time to write it but will share it on Lost and Found some time soon-ish.
The things that some of my pals and I have had to endure lately are wild, all the things I’ve spoken of on here are just scratching the surface. I wish we all spoke more openly about abusive behaviours, were taught about consent and boundaries in school, treated everyone with the same respect, didn’t think we had the right to lord over the autonomy of anyone else, for whatever reason.
The whole Jonah Hill thing is very interesting to witness, although it feels like it’s mostly women paying attention or asking if there actually are any resources for men to read about misogyny and all that. Learning about my own entitlement and reading about rejection sensitivity are definitely helping me to move my thinking habits to healthier places.
I’ve got some processes I want to learn and play with and actual tangible things I want to make and hold in my hands. But I need to get July’s work all done first. There’s more time from August to get stuck into things. Can we go dancing and staring at paintings that you aren’t meant to touch but really want to? I hate to wish away time and especially summer, I want to savour any sun we get on our flesh. But I’m also bursting to get stuck into some creative work and all the ideas are piling up as ever, my constant frustration. Need to work on my constraints. The more of those the better I guess or the ideas just keep coming and coming and then the overwhelm and nothing happens. Making more with less and all that. Also I need to just stop being so impatient with myself, winter will be long enough to do all the things I don’t have time for right now.
I’d hidden loads of old posts on @solornothing to give myself a hard time about not getting stuck into a specific project but being all scattered all over but I added them back the other night and it was wild to read the peaks and troughs over the last couple of years. I probably make more sense now with more context.
Last weekend was a busy working weekend. Saturday was one of those deeply emotional little weddings that just blow my mind. Wedderlie House in the Borders is a beautiful venue, it’s basically got everything you need for a fancy party and they run a tight ship. The ceremony was held in a little walled rose garden, in full bloom, the weather was wild and the vows were off the charts beautiful to the point that their celebrant and half the guests were also in tears. I lost it and cried 4 times over the day. Some couples just have amazing chemistry and don’t let their shyness dull it down. They promised to always support and challenge each other to pursue their dreams and to make life an adventure together and it was fucking great. I loved it.
It rained during their meal but we sneaked out for a quiet second after it stopped, just hanging out on this tennis court cos the ground was less muddy (the grounds are a total playground of possibilities too). I chucked on a song and put my phone in the groom’s pocket and let them have a second. They were both in tears by halfway through the song and I heard him say, ‘this is your favourite moment, isn’t it?’ and then I lost it. We had a big cry and a group hug. The power of music. One of their lovely guests then told me to remember it’s a good thing to be in tune and to give myself permission to lose it cos it’s all love and joy. Then the swines had the band play Into the Mystic and oooft. Aff the charts dopamine surge, followed by some gentle times in the sun after work on Sunday, just kind of being in awe of some of the things I get to witness and be a small part of. I had to literally roll about in the sand with some tunes on to ground myself, felt like I needed someone to squeeze my soul back into my body. I went for a ‘swim’ with my pal Danni. We sat in the murky minging water which I think was mainly overflow from the heavy rain and some human shit mixed with jellyfish but hey, so long as you don’t drink it you’ll get a wee rush.
Back to Aetla for another shoot tonight. I’m having a good time working with this little creative team, they’re so so good at what they do. We’ve worked a bunch together lately and I’ve been loving every minute, can’t wait to share some of it soon. Then my kid is back on Saturday. This is the longest he’s ever been away and it’s very quiet around here. The mice are missing his crumbs. And I’ve got about a dozen shoots to add on here, not including any wedding work so I’m chasing my tail as ever. We’re going on an adventure for a few days soon so work can wait for a second.
I’m just glad to feel a lot calmer and happier. I’m feeling intensely grateful for the folks who let me be the toxic wee asshole for a second, who let me rant from one extreme to the other about things and then meet myself somewhere in the middle, who don’t judge me as I work through it all. Most of you are kind of far away and I can’t wait until you are near for some long tight hugs and maybe a few good tears x
WORK WITH ME
Digital and analogue photography portraiture ->
LADS, THERE’S BEEN A PERFECT STORM
Lads, there’s been a perfect storm… or maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.
…well, maybe more of a staring-death-in-the-face epiphany.
No word of a lie, I nearly died choking on a raggy bit of toilet paper I accidentally inhaled while blowing my nose and I was like, well fuck it, you can literally die trying to keep yer nose clean so now I’m going to just do whatever.
Since then I’ve moved out of my very expensive and lonely studio space, sorted closing my wee online store, I’ve had a (pretty much) secret birthday and really enjoyed a migraine, started getting petty and snide whenever anyone who I don’t want around annoys me so nothing crazy but I feel great. Yet to rob a bank but give me time…
“I must change my life so I can live it, not wait for it.”
I get annoyed with myself for all sorts of things, mostly for the way my brain can’t really prioritise so instead I’m constantly aware of every single thing that needs doing to be a functioning adult. It’s noisy in there. I start mumbling about pandering to the machine and wishing I could go and laugh my ass off on some moss. Some of the stuff we need to do just cos we’re alive so it means we owe folks money is wild isn’t it? And while the French are setting fire to everything we’re just sitting about moaning.
In my own wee world I’m doing a consolidation dance cos I had given myself too many plates to spin and it feels really good to start to see the space. From this weekend, I’ve got a rare 6 days in a row kid and paid work free to get some of the ideas that have been bubbling away actually made so I’m looking forward to losing my mind when I can’t get things to work the way I’d like or I break the one bit of kit that brings it all together. Come and distract me so I can blame you for my procrastination (best put in a disclaimer: if you are someone I want to see). Trying not to overcomplicate things, which I tend to do but I have some other ideas I’ll be sharing with folks soon. Speaking of which, I knackered my neck from trying to lift heavy as fuck furniture and ended up with a migraine. The opiates and anti-nausea medication had me in a wee writing frenzy from nowhere, a whole day of frantic typing and then a nap, type and nap. It was a very enjoyable mix of physical pain and emotional joy. Said like a true masochist.
So yeah, I recommend nearly dying choking on toilet roll. I’m now focussed on using magic and sarcasm to steer me towards my dreams. This year has been nuts for me, I’m getting a handle on a lot of things I’ve never really faced up to before and it feels good but there are still stumbling blocks, I still find myself on guard when I don’t want to be or questioning my abilities. I realised I still very much communicate as if I’m a burden to people instead of being direct about what I want and need. Finding my baws and giving them a wee feel all the time.
My birthday was wholesome fun this year (as a vampire I lost interest in birthdays many moons ago), just me and my son, eating fried stuff outside on the beach, visiting our favourite places in East Lothian, being pals with nature, moaning at the crap vinyl in the charity shops of North Berwick. We were outside for 10 hours on the bounce which is the first time this year we’d been able to do that and it felt so good we’ve done it again since with pals. We’re so lucky to have all these beautiful beaches right by our home. Eating way too many chips though.
I had lunch (no chips) recently with a pal who always gets me thinking about things, she’s very good at gently pushing me towards the creative work I’m always flapping about instead of just getting on with. We were talking about the old saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and I think in some ways it’s actually how I always end up communicating. I don’t really compare my photography work to my peers that much cos I’m too much of a space cadet to pay attention to anyone else but I tend to try to connect to folks by talking about my own experiences that relate to their chat as a way of saying I get what they’re on about. And I think through comparison I’ve also learned loads about my own unhealthy cycles of behaviour to be aware not to fall into them again and to notice the differences in situations.
Conversation thread curve but I also found yet another Natasha Lyonne podcast interview (she’s my religion) also talking about creativity and collaborative work. She spoke about how she’s found her work is now mostly just play with her friends that evolves into bigger ideas and projects. There’s also chat about how we should all just play more like we did as kids and how much easier we are around each other before the world jades us all out. I love that bit of getting to know someone new where you can’t yet tell if they’re totally taking the piss or stone cold serious so you both end up throwing some curves to test the water. I wish we all just played like kids more. I think we all spend way too much time worrying about what other people are thinking or doing and we gatekeep ourselves too much and just be a weirdo cos seeing how weirdo (I’m not talking charles manson weird) brains work is the best. So I think I just contradicted myself once again there but we’re all multitudes eh
Since my unglamourous near departure I’ve promised myself to stop beating myself up about my faults, to stop letting people mess with my psychology and to just be the full scale five foot one and a half legend that I am. Just vent and then get back to living the dream. Remember we’re floating in space and nobody will care what Japandi means or what Elon Musk is doing with his blue tick when the world blows up so live laugh love and all that. Choose smut and shambolic decadence, maybe some sleepy chaos.
LET’S SHOOT THE SHIT
Portraits, brand images, event photos, you know the deal…
“Connection is collaborative. For words to have meaning, they have to be read.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about all the ways I get to communicate with people and how lucky I am to have photography.
I’ve been really enjoying working on more portrait sessions over the last few weeks, it’s been great to have the conversations that come with those moments. Thank you to those who have reached out about future collaborative shoots too, lots to look forward to.
I’ve been thinking a lot about all the ways I get to communicate with people and how lucky I am to have photography.
I’ve been really enjoying working on more portrait sessions over the last few weeks, it’s been great to have the conversations that come with those moments. Thank you to those who have reached out about future collaborative shoots too, lots to look forward to.
I also had my first wedding photography stress dream of the year last night which can only mean that wedding work starts up soon. Ugh, the worst, dreaming that I drove for hours to a remote wedding to open my camera bag and there was just a lens in it and nothing else. WHITEY. I think I check my bag about 20 times before I head out to any job cos I’ve got the fear so bad that I’ll forget something. Oooft. Anyways, 1 April and wedding season starts. Although this year it’s way less intense, there’s more time for life and other creative experiments to happen in between which I’m glad about.
Last year’s wedding work had me an emotional wreck. I never get over how lovely a thing it is to share those vulnerable moments with couples. I think it helped kick started me focussing on sorting out my head with crappy past experience so I can move past it all so thank you to all the couples and celebrants who I worked with for giving me food for thought for the drives home. This last wee while has been a rollercoaster. I’m so glad I spoke out on here but it’s been tough to hear so many horrific things from other women. I had a day last week where I just pure rage cried all day long. I never really know how to process anger, it probably used to come out as me being a wee radge drunken liability. But it felt good to just imagine I’m Joe Pesci with a sharp suit and a sharper blade and just weep like fuck for a day, which hopefully was coming from a place of empathy and not psychopathy.
“We are empathic beings who feel for each other. Our very success as a species is rooted in our ability to be aware of each other’s needs, to notice each other’s pain and to experience deeply felt physiological and emotional empathy.”
I guess I just needed to spit it all out and get that guy out of my face and that felt quite selfish or at least focussed on self preservation but I hadn’t really anticipated that it would also open up a safe space for so many difficult and generous conversations which has proved to be a beautiful, emotional and empowering thing.
There’s been a lot of naps too. My body has started to relax and I’ve never needed to sleep so much in all my puff.
Then last weekend I also got to be a guest at a wedding, to get my own suit oot, dance and laugh with good folks. What a treat. Didn’t even take my phone out my pocket, not a single snap taken until I went on a solo art adventure the next morning. It felt fucking great to do things I love to do to feel better and just give myself a bit of time. Thank you to my ace pals Kerri and Mark for the best piss up in a brewery a booze sober girl could hope for. And to the lovely ladies who drove me to Newcastle and didn’t even give me a hard time for booking myself into the wrong hotel.
And after finding my baws about the bad stuff it’s time to do the same for all the good.
For work, we’re making the next changes to the way I do all the stuff too. We’re bringing all the wedding photography, portraiture and the elopement and wee wedding planning with the elopement society into one space on social media so it’s a bit more like the website and so I don’t freak out that I’m spinning too many plates. It feels good to simplify all the ideas into one space. Then there’s still my other instagram page for the loose cannon stuff. Starting to get there with making time for some more creative explorations.
So please follow @solencollet and @solornothing if you don’t already (the name of the wedding photo one has changed to match the website). We’ve got a competition and store sale coming too for a bit of a spring clear out of all the stuff lying around that reminds me of how shit I am at keeping on top of shouting about it all. Well, we’ve just had all the germs and school holidays and meltdowns so maybe it’s more about me remembering that those things happen and they eat into my studio time.
“Or, more simply, creativity is any act of love. Any act of making. It is usually applied to art-making, but it can also be applied to anything you do that requires your focus, skill and ingenuity. It takes creativity to dress well, for example. To parent. To paint a windowsill. To give someone you love your full attention.”
I had an interesting chat with a photographer a few days ago who reckons that wedding work is still really undervalued by folks in other creative sectors. She believes the art world and creative directors are mostly a bit snobby about someone who does any wedding or social photography work like you can’t be good at both even though pretty much all artists need at least one other job to be able to afford to live. So here’s a wee rant about how that can be the day job. For me, it feeds my kid but also through shooting weddings for a decade I’ve learnt so much. I wouldn’t say I’m technically particularly proficient and I’m not into the kit side of things at all really unless it’s vintage film cameras but even then I don’t geek out about that stuff. But through shooting 10 hours on the bounce you learn to hyperfocus to find a composition in amongst all the moving noise like a street photographer would, to anticipate what’s going to happen in a room full of people, you learn to use shite available light, to work in all weathers, to work in awkward spaces with a heap of drunk folks with heightened emotions and family politics, to get a couple’s connection on camera in a short space of time even if they’re super camera shy or hate public displays of affection. All the while you are problem solving, travelling between places you might never have been before, being sensitive to different religious beliefs and traditions. And like studio collaborative work, there’s a team of folks with their own brief to work with - videographers footage to swerve, liaising with venue staff, caterers, makeup and hair, florists, bands, different officiants with their own ways of working all to a specific timeline with literally one break all day and it’s fucking hard work. Then you drive home…And I think that’s me giving myself a lecture about something which I’ll probably figure out in a day or two…
I don’t have any self portraits to share this month as all my work time has been taken up with portraiture sessions of other folks, I’ve lots of edits from those to share soon and I’ve a bunch of ideas to get to work on now that I feel a little less freaked the fuck out so I’ll no doubt share them too. I’ve been doing a bit of my crap writing about things that make me happy and still working away on ways to combine the two things.
I bought myself a copy of On Connection by Kae Tempest on my Sunday art adventure in Baltic Centre for Contemporary Arts in Newcastle. All the quotes I’ve used are from the book which I haven’t finished reading yet but love already. The person in the shop was delighted to see a copy leave as they said it was a beautiful thing to read. My mate Andy of 5things also sent me this link to their episode about the book. 5things is a regular online breakfast event where 3 speakers discuss 5 things each about a favourite non-fiction book.
I ONLY WORK WITH LEGENDS
Want to have some tea and a rant while I snap photos of your face for use as smoke signals over the mountains of that there internet?