All the trigger warnings, again.

September has been an immense experience in growth and trusting my creativity. THANK YOU to everyone who came to see my work at Art Walk Portobello and the Drill Hall.

I’ve never curated and organised a group show before and the feedback has been amazing. I really enjoyed most of it, some trickier bits to navigate too but that’s all part of the learning. I think the idea of mixing all our work together went down well and looked great. Thanks also to the folks who bought work at both shows. My personal work has all been funded by the day job so far so to sell stuff is brilliant. And several folks came back to the Art House multiple times with different folks which is just the best possible thing, thank you.

The Art Walk wasn’t just a challenge in overcoming the imposter syndrome, it also had a deeper personal meaning which has felt like a huge step forward. The end of August/start of September last year I was once again really struggling with finding a sense of safety. The unravelling of all the grief, hurt and anger at finally facing the abuse I’d experienced in the past was heightened by a series of troubling messages from an old drinking pal of my sexually abusive ex, another person I’d had no contact with in years. I had to speak to the police about it. To give further context to the level of trauma I’d been bottling up around my experiences with male violence of different kinds I’d only invited one man into my home to hang out in around 5 years. The whole time he was there I was trying to smother a panic attack to the point I could barely form sentences. It didn’t go well, he’s not really spoken to me since but it made me super aware of the level of fear I had even around men I felt safe in the company of and kick started a heap of processing all this stuff that’s been pouring out since my stalker ex got in touch again around February last year.

So to open my doors to allow any stranger off the street to come into my flat, into my bedroom, the room I made a lot of the images around autonomy in, felt HUGE and healing as fuck. A reclamation of my personal power, a leap of faith in creative play as a way to process and heal. So everyone who came along played their part in that too, thank you.

People will take anything and everything without asking - autonomy, money, pals, jobs, ideas, memories, private conversations…opening up and realising that nobody can take away your creative voice is emboldening. I’m revisiting the Artist’s Way and the epiphanies are coming thick and fast. It’s such a worthwhile exercise, and one I’m really enjoying with company this time around. A creative coven of open hearted wonders.

I feel intensely grateful for this time.

The news of the French rape trial has been as triggering as the exhibitions were freeing. There’s elements of the details of that trial that I can relate to in ways that no woman ever should have to. The press coverage at times is sickening. To read the tabloids saying the accused were all looking ‘for sex with a stranger’ is fucking enraging. Who goes into a chatroom called ‘Without Her Knowledge’ looking for risky sex? Nah, misogynistic rapists go there looking for opportunities for sexual violence against women and there’s a huge difference. Let them hide their faces while she holds her head up, there is zero shame in being a survivor, that all belongs to perpetrators. There’s also reporting that suggests the survivor, Gisele Pelicot, is looking for revenge purely for holding them accountable, which is a disgrace. It’s also just depressingly predictable how few men bother to use these moments to further the conversation around male violence, they just don’t give a fuck cos they don’t have to. Speak up, lads, I’m so fucking bored of saying that it’s only when you look at misogyny with the same disgust as is reserved for those who act on paedophilia that anything changes. It’s only when it costs you that the majority of you start paying any attention. Just don’t leave that mate alone with your kids, yeah…

I’ve spent the last week sorting out my studio, finally decorating the walls a bit, laying out the space so things are to hand for all the ideas instead of treating it like a storage space for fun and a desk for paid work. I’ve no excuses for not creating myself more rituals around creating and using all the amazing words, the hugs from strangers and encouragement to build some new things…October brings friends for visits, some brand work and acting on the gratitude.

OH AND JOIN THE MAILING LIST

I’m so piss bored like everyone of trying to make content. Keep feeding the beast so it doesn’t bite. Just join ma list and you get one sporadic email claiming to be monthly and organised with links to all my new work, rants, meltdowns and exhibitionism.

Cheers (speaking of which, that’s a bottle of ‘sparkling life’ which made me laugh. Downed it.)

xx