It feels like a good time to highlight a podcast I did a while back with the wonderful Danni of Chachi Power Project around the subject of body confidence while wedding planning and on the big day. Body confidence an issue for couples and for guests, there’s pressure to be some perfected polished version of yourself. We still hear so many speeches that congratulate the bridal party on what they look like... so we had a bit of a sweary rant about it and suggested a few things that hopefully might be of some help to anyone feeling it. I think one thing to remember is that for wedding couples, it’s your day and you can give yourself permission to do it however suits you as a couple. It’s not about pleasing anyone else. It’s a celebration of getting to this point in your life together and it’s important not to lose sight of that in the process of planning.

But I also think we all ask the worst questions as friends and family of wedding couples and lots of the wedding industry is quite dark in the way it encourages brides, grooms, their guests and wedding parties to be aware of their own insecurities to sell us shit we don’t need. We also then make assumptions around beauty and fitness which we just need to shut the hell up about and stop judging each other on appearances.

As someone who has struggled with my appearance since my early teens, I’m really aware of how bad we are at looking out for each other around these things — we make assumptions, we hypersexualise women, we judge those who’ve had treatments, we judge those who do or don’t have body hair, we hide our scars and tattoos and worry about bald spots and squint teeth and all sorts. But really, we’re all just showing our own insecurities when we judge others and we need to get better at asking ourselves why we’re even bothered about how someone else is dressed or how they look and what it is underlying about ourselves that’s making us even pay attention to that. There are so many factors to self acceptance and building confidence around our appearance and they’re so different for each of us.

Anyways, while we were gathering some chat from folks who’ve had difficult experiences, one of my brides, Barbara, sent me the most honest and generous email explaining her own experience and I’m sharing it as a whole cos it’s really important that anyone feeling the way she did before their wedding sees it. So here it is. And so much love to you B for sharing and owning this.

Barbara

Not totally sure where to start so shall share some ramblings...

As a fat bride I was probably inevitably going to feel the pressures to lose weight for my wedding day. Feels like the whole industry is designed around making you feel like you’re somehow worth less or can’t possibly be “beautiful” above a certain size at the best of times but especially when you’re a bride.

I was a fat bridesmaid for my sister in 2016. I really tried to lose weight but after a couple decades of disordered eating and mental health crap it just didn’t happen and man did it cause unnecessary stress. She knew I was worried about it so she asked me what I needed in a dress. I said sleeves and to be able to wear a proper bra so I had beautiful lace sleeves added to my dress. I really appreciated that. She also didn’t make me try anything on I wasn’t willing to. My mum, attempting to be helpful and supportive as she always is, made lots of comments about how I still “had time” to lose some weight. Bless her I know her heart was in the right place but it didn’t help my self esteem in the slightest. On the day there simply were just more important things going on than me worrying about being the fat one and so I pushed it from my head and really genuinely enjoyed the whole truly wonderful day with my sister.

For my wedding I really didn’t want to feel how I’d felt as a bridesmaid. So of course tried to lose weight. Didn’t happen. I went to Kleinfeld in New York with my mum and sister to try on dresses as we’d had such a lovely time doing this for my sister and it was the only chance we’d get to do it together (sister lives in Oz, mum elsewhere in Scotland). However my sister is a size 6ish and I’m a 20.... very different... I had built the experience up so much and was so dreading it because I knew I’d have limited options, I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to feel embarrassed when I couldn’t put anything on and I didn’t want to feel worse about myself than I already did. I warned them in advance I was plus size, clearly feeling they needed to know a monster was coming or some nonsense... The girl who helped me asked if I wanted to be on the shop floor or if I wanted a private room. Of course I wanted a private room. And so it was just me and her in the changing room whilst my sister and mum waited outside. She asked me for ideas and she went off and selected some gowns. I tried on 3 in total and I was done. I bought the first one I tried on. Not because I loved it but because I was so damn relieved I’d been able to put a bloody dress on (the sample was in my bridal size) that I burst into tears. Which obviously the sales girl, who actually had made the experience a bit less painful than I expected, took to be a good sign... but anyway. My mum again nearer to the wedding made some comments about “still having time darling”.

I had started to follow Rock n Roll Bride along with a whole host of fat positive Instagram accounts after we got engaged so I stopped her and said no. I told her I needed her to adjust to the idea that I might just look beautiful on my wedding day just the way I am and that would be at this weight and I didn’t need the negativity, accidental or otherwise. I had to be enough as I am. I chose vintage hair and make up artists who made me feel beautiful at my trial. That helped. I also placed as little importance on “the dress” and the way I was going to look as I possibly could. Which definitely went a bit against the grain. But my husband and I instead threw ourselves into finding a bloody amazing band, a phenomenal caterer (my god the tasting was one of the best days of my life), the vows, the flowers, the beautiful venue and generally trying to put together an awesome weekend for ourselves and our loved ones. I also bought myself a kick ass alternative Crown and Glory veil, which I truly loved. I bought an entirely sequinned dress to wear in the evening and a faux leather personalised jacket I couldn’t wait to wear. It was enough for me to be able to effectively ignore the looming thought of being the fat bride and “the dress”.

On our wedding day I genuinely didn’t care about my weight. For the first time in my whole life. I really, truly, didn’t care. I was getting to marry Scott and with so many people we loved there to share it. We don’t get to see our friends and family much and I was on a high from seeing them the night before for dinner. All in one place. I spent the morning getting ready with my sister, my cousin, my mum, my mother in law and nieces (5 years old and 12 weeks - my sister was a badass breastfeeding bridesmaid). My hair and make up people were amazing but again I didn’t really care much. I didn’t really look at myself to care what I looked like. I made a twat of myself before I walked up the aisle nearly falling in some bark and ended up in hysterics which totally relaxed me and I just walked towards my best friend grinning and waving like an idiot. And my god the look on his face, all I could see was how much he loves me. It was truly one of the BEST days of our lives.

“I hate getting my photo taken because I don’t like to see myself. And as a result, I tend to look even worse in photos as I will have some manner of death stare on my face or some other idiotic expression. We conceded that we would want photos of our day regardless and so went with a photographer recommended by our venue who seemed very “us”. I think she said something along the lines of “if you make me do more than 6 posed shots I’ll start telling really inappropriate jokes””

So the photographs... I hate getting my photo taken because I don’t like to see myself. And as a result, I tend to look even worse in photos as I will have some manner of death stare on my face or some other idiotic expression. We conceded that we would want photos of our day regardless and so went with a photographer recommended by our venue who seemed very “us”. I think she said something along the lines of “if you make me do more than 6 posed shots I’ll start telling really inappropriate jokes” and we thought yup! I LOVE our wedding photos. Which I’ve said in many cringey ways but I never like photos of me. And I love them. I still look like me, fat, double chin and stupid bloody faces but I love them. We look so happy and so loved up and so genuine. I may have cried. I can’t believe I have so many photos of myself that I want to show people and have on display in my home.

So enough rambling, just touched the surface really. But my advice is to focus on the parts of planning that make you happy and you’re excited by. Try not to get drawn into the hype of “the dress”. It’s just a bloody dress that’ll be worn once, why the pressure?! The only thing I would do differently is I’d maybe go to plus size boutiques or alternative dress shops but to be honest, I don’t think I’d ever have enjoyed the dress experience. Pick vendors that “get” you. My hair and make-up people were so brilliant and we listened to classic rock all morning getting ready. Follow the right social media if that’s your thing. Rock n roll bride was a godsend for me when I was surrounded by typically beautiful, thin, traditional brides. Not that there’s anything wrong with fitting in to that category but it didn’t help me feel good about myself. And pick an awesome photographer. Someone who can really capture the best parts of you and your spouse and the day itself so you can’t help but love your photos, even with all the flaws on display. We love you Solen.”

Thank you so so much Barbara for giving me permission to share your this. Reading it really helped me to ask myself some difficult questions around my perceptions of myself so thank you, I’m not sure I’d be where I am with my own self confidence without others voicing their difficult thoughts and experiences like this x