There’s nothing shameful in life being a double edged sword, we can write and if it touches someone, or it helps them to feel less alone then what a gift we’ve found in amongst the chaos.
Ok, so NOW I’M HAVING FUN.
I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.
Heyyy
I thought for folks who follow my ramblings I should write a little update on how I’m doing after all the big things that have kicked off and surfaced the last wee while.
I’ve had a huge shift in my thinking, flipped a switch somewhere and it all feels really good. I think I’ve come out of the other side of healing a lot of horrible things and I feel really calm, my confidence is coming back and I feel at home with myself. For anyone who can relate to my darker experiences, it does all change and it will come good.
July is my busiest work month of the year and also the school holidays so should traditionally mean stressy juggling nightmare but I’m feeling so good right now. I just feel way more myself. I feel things are flowing and I feel myself relax and smile more. There’s still that thing of ‘where’s the catch? When does it come crashing down?’ but I’m managing to ignore it for the most part. Thank you to the legends who have stuck around, listened to my rantings, let me cry it all out, brought me their own truth, which helped me feel human. All the love to the guardian angel who chased away abusive stalkery types with their tail between their legs. What can I say? I’m a sexual powerhouse, they all come back for more or try to hate me to death for cutting them off.
I know, I know, those abusive things aren’t anything to do with sex, they’re about violence and control. But they deeply affect how you view sex and your own desires, your own body. But it feels truly amazing to have gone from feeling completely stressed out, worried about my physical health and so profoundly raging at how my body still reacts to the past that I couldn’t even bare to look at handsome faces, to feeling calm and confident. It’s been very much not fun to go through. I’m proud of myself and I’m very very grateful for you folks.
If you are wondering what I’m talking about, you can join Lost and Found, where I’ve moved all my previous posts to. It’s a space where I’m sharing some writing about things that stick in my mind, that I struggle to process and that make me feel very human. I go full circle with things a lot, I still struggle to listen to my gut and to follow my instinct. Thank you to the pals who keep reminding me that it’s ok to trust myself. I’m writing about how the hardest part of carrying this difficult past experience is how difficult it makes it to believe that good things are real. I’m taking my time to write it but will share it on Lost and Found some time soon-ish.
The things that some of my pals and I have had to endure lately are wild, all the things I’ve spoken of on here are just scratching the surface. I wish we all spoke more openly about abusive behaviours, were taught about consent and boundaries in school, treated everyone with the same respect, didn’t think we had the right to lord over the autonomy of anyone else, for whatever reason.
The whole Jonah Hill thing is very interesting to witness, although it feels like it’s mostly women paying attention or asking if there actually are any resources for men to read about misogyny and all that. Learning about my own entitlement and reading about rejection sensitivity are definitely helping me to move my thinking habits to healthier places.
I’ve got some processes I want to learn and play with and actual tangible things I want to make and hold in my hands. But I need to get July’s work all done first. There’s more time from August to get stuck into things. Can we go dancing and staring at paintings that you aren’t meant to touch but really want to? I hate to wish away time and especially summer, I want to savour any sun we get on our flesh. But I’m also bursting to get stuck into some creative work and all the ideas are piling up as ever, my constant frustration. Need to work on my constraints. The more of those the better I guess or the ideas just keep coming and coming and then the overwhelm and nothing happens. Making more with less and all that. Also I need to just stop being so impatient with myself, winter will be long enough to do all the things I don’t have time for right now.
I’d hidden loads of old posts on @solornothing to give myself a hard time about not getting stuck into a specific project but being all scattered all over but I added them back the other night and it was wild to read the peaks and troughs over the last couple of years. I probably make more sense now with more context.
Last weekend was a busy working weekend. Saturday was one of those deeply emotional little weddings that just blow my mind. Wedderlie House in the Borders is a beautiful venue, it’s basically got everything you need for a fancy party and they run a tight ship. The ceremony was held in a little walled rose garden, in full bloom, the weather was wild and the vows were off the charts beautiful to the point that their celebrant and half the guests were also in tears. I lost it and cried 4 times over the day. Some couples just have amazing chemistry and don’t let their shyness dull it down. They promised to always support and challenge each other to pursue their dreams and to make life an adventure together and it was fucking great. I loved it.
It rained during their meal but we sneaked out for a quiet second after it stopped, just hanging out on this tennis court cos the ground was less muddy (the grounds are a total playground of possibilities too). I chucked on a song and put my phone in the groom’s pocket and let them have a second. They were both in tears by halfway through the song and I heard him say, ‘this is your favourite moment, isn’t it?’ and then I lost it. We had a big cry and a group hug. The power of music. One of their lovely guests then told me to remember it’s a good thing to be in tune and to give myself permission to lose it cos it’s all love and joy. Then the swines had the band play Into the Mystic and oooft. Aff the charts dopamine surge, followed by some gentle times in the sun after work on Sunday, just kind of being in awe of some of the things I get to witness and be a small part of. I had to literally roll about in the sand with some tunes on to ground myself, felt like I needed someone to squeeze my soul back into my body. I went for a ‘swim’ with my pal Danni. We sat in the murky minging water which I think was mainly overflow from the heavy rain and some human shit mixed with jellyfish but hey, so long as you don’t drink it you’ll get a wee rush.
Back to Aetla for another shoot tonight. I’m having a good time working with this little creative team, they’re so so good at what they do. We’ve worked a bunch together lately and I’ve been loving every minute, can’t wait to share some of it soon. Then my kid is back on Saturday. This is the longest he’s ever been away and it’s very quiet around here. The mice are missing his crumbs. And I’ve got about a dozen shoots to add on here, not including any wedding work so I’m chasing my tail as ever. We’re going on an adventure for a few days soon so work can wait for a second.
I’m just glad to feel a lot calmer and happier. I’m feeling intensely grateful for the folks who let me be the toxic wee asshole for a second, who let me rant from one extreme to the other about things and then meet myself somewhere in the middle, who don’t judge me as I work through it all. Most of you are kind of far away and I can’t wait until you are near for some long tight hugs and maybe a few good tears x
WORK WITH ME
Digital and analogue photography portraiture ->
word soup
I’ve been a bit shy about sharing my writing on here, even though I had posted them on instagram, sort of feels more vulnerable to bash them up here. I wanted to challenge myself to write more frequently and consistently so if I shout about it maybe I’ll actually do it…
My kid and his friend, Gus, have so far today been to the fair on the prom, written a tune in garageband, made a video for it in the shared garden of our tenement and uploaded it to youtube. I’m ashamed by my own procrastination…so here’s some word soup.
I’ve been a bit shy about sharing these on here even though I had posted them on instagram, sort of feels more vulnerable to bash them up here. I wanted to challenge myself to write more frequently and consistently so if I shout about it maybe I’ll actually do it…
I can still hear the echoes of distant shitty boys telling me I’m no good on days when I’m tired out but they’re getting drowned out most of these days. Pursuing creative ideas is, to me, the heart and soul of us being here, however much some fuckers would rather have us tied to desks or warehouses 24/7 so they can go to space. Our much missed pal Scott took to giving me paternal pep talks for a wee while and one of them was all about how you can’t let anyone else shut down your creative voice. He said his music teacher at school had told him point blank he couldn’t sing but then every time his band released a record the guy felt the need to facebook a critique. He talked about how there’s not much point in a life where you don’t fully commit to expressing yourself, to trying to connect to something bigger than yourself, to say the things that are sometimes hard to say but make people feel less alone ‘and fuck what anyone else thinks about it.’ He was a smart shambles.
I swapped reading poetry and most of my favourite forms of self expression in favour of shit boys and cheap vodka when I left school but swapped back thanks to a therapist I saw for a while a few years ago, who encouraged me to feed the inner wean. I took up mark making and reading poems again. I’m shit at reading fiction cos my brain goes off on tangents and I’ll read the same page 5 times and retain none of the chat so I like poetry cos like lyrics there tends to be something more immediate in there. I like biographies and art books too. Maybes a wee bit too much, I’ve an overwhelming number of them staring at me every time I sit on my sofa and I’m lucky if I’ve read the first chapter of most of them, should really get to that.
I don’t really know about what’s supposed to make writing good or bad and who gets to decide those kinds of things but I think it’s a cathartic way to express desires, to process emotions and to remember shared moments.
I’m still guilty of being a big fan of all the rebellious writers that we’re probably supposed to grow out of loving, the beat poets, Lou Reed, Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, all the scoundrels who’d rather slip through to another dimension where the outlaws are left to follow their own rhythms. I feel like we should all be listening to them and reacting to their forms of protest song more than ever.
Another banger of a pep talk involved drunk spitting and finger wagging in my face telling me to stop wasting time placating boring men and how I deserved to have fun with someone who’d challenge me and like I say he was a smart pal to have. I miss those chats, some very funny times. So here’s to all the good ones who genuinely encourage and support us to keep growing and enjoying life. Shitty people drain the joy out of everything and it’s only when you get some time with good people that you realise how much lighter everything feels. An honourable mention to our English teacher, Cameron, who used to invite us round to his place in Porty and we’d drink gin, smoke and watch films of the books and plays we were reading in class. Probably not the type of antics that should go on but it always felt like a safe place and apologies that we got him back on the cigarettes.
I’m not always great at finding the words I want to say when I want to say them so I’m glad writing helps me make sense of the magic and mischief.
Don’t be a stranger
You’ll know by now that I like a wee rant.
I’ll also be sharing lots of new work projects and ideas soon so keep in the loop with it all by joining our mailing list.