Are You The Key master?
So, feeling as awkward and great as ever, I’m back on my soapbox again. This time with a hopefully empowering rant about quitting gatekeeping and policing ourselves and embracing all the things that make us cringe a wee bit. One big thing I still struggle with after all the recent ranting and ravings is being hypervigilant around people I don’t know very well and when I’m knackered out I feel those feelings of looking over my shoulder start to surface again. I don’t want to let rejection sensitivity and crap past experience with folks on the wrong side of creepy to cloud opportunities. I’ve been learning loads lately about these things and moving past them…
I joined a bunch of socials and linked facebook back up again, logging in to the app for maybe the first time since around lockdowns when I used it for some workshops. I’d deleted my personal facebook and twitter in 2016 and hadn’t missed them. But instagram is dying on its arse and meta is getting more rightwing and misogynistic so I’ve also joined the kids at tiktok, youtube and have started posting a bit on tumblr and pinterest. I’ve even got a linkedin account which is way less uptight than I thought and I’m gathering a really interesting bunch of creatives.
And the password has been lifted from Lost and Found, this very blog. The password was there for a bit for good reason. I know it can be damaging to overshare traumatic stories to anyone and everyone but I only really touch on the surface of things that I already feel I’m getting on top of on here. It can still be quite raw and feel very vulnerable but it’s curated and I am in charge of what I share, that feels like a huge part of the healing process when people have done horrific things to you without your consent. To be the one that decides what is and isn’t in the open. Despite instagram banning me for sharing my abstract nudes, I decided to make them and show them and empower myself over which parts of my body others get to see through my gaze. All of this stuff is part of a wee journey of healing that is so cathartic and enriching.
The biggest hurdle that I’ve come up against as I’ve been working on healing them traumatic experiences and looking at things from the perspective that I’m more than likely AuDHD as fuck and how did I never know it when I think I’m so self aware and I’m always banging on about the psychology of stuff has been how I relate to others online. Award for the longest sentence/bad grammar, ta.
My whole adult life I’ve been stalked by predatory men. And I realise that predator isn’t even the right word cos in the wild predators are useful but it’s what we use so. Even before I had regular internet access I was stalked by my high school boyfriend. He’d turn up at clubs and bars that I was at with pals and just stand outside looking in like a right sad case and stuff like that for a couple of years. That seems to have started a trend for weak asshats creeping around trying to get attention or to make me feel unsafe. Last winter and spring I really struggled with it as it turns out the more you call out misogynists the more they all form an orderly queue to act like the prick. So I had a few months of feeling really fearful of all men and all that stuff which I’ve written about already.
Lately I read a couple of brilliant books which touch on all the things that have been plaguing my vibes. Strong Female Character by Fern Brady, Unmasked by Ellie Middleton (about her late diagnosis for ADHD which talks about being consistently ostracised by groups and colleagues, and Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given which talks about misogyny and privilege, centering ourselves and letting go of societal expectations for the roles of women. And I’ve been thinking a lot about this last hangover I have where I struggle with social media and the internet and all the reasons why. I hate being misunderstood cos I’m a very direct and honest person and the ways people bend your words, actions and intensions often drives me nuts cos how can you be accused of being so honest it’s rude and yet still have your words twisted but that’s how it seems to often go.
I’ve noticed that the more you open up about things the more folks who you’ve not spoken to in a long time come out of the woodwork. Sometimes it’s long lost pals and lovers and that’s nice and comforting to know they still check in to see how you are getting on despite losing any regular keeping in touch. But mostly it’s folks who know they did ye a dirty at some point and it very much feels like they’re panicking to see if you are speaking the truth about them or they feel that vulnerability is a weakness and they’re sitting tight with popcorn and a snide wee grin hoping that you are being vocal about difficult things cos you are about to slide into complete meltdown so that they can say, ‘see, I always told you she was crazy’ or whatever fits their agenda. So aye, I basically hate being perceived at all even to the point that my self portraiture, which has been a great way of processing a lot of crappy stuff, is still really just me playing dress up and wearing a mask of sorts.
My weird aunty on tiktok chat so far is me swearing at cheap paint rollers and a wonky ladder and some ramblings around this issue of how to let go of all the weird feelings I have about being seen and misconstrued or being stalked by people who I know hate my guts. I’ve very guilty of having human behaviour as a special interest, probably since being bullied by my whole class in primary school. They didn’t really beat me up but mostly they, my entire class, all gave me the silent treatment for a full year which is a really long time when you are 11. Since then I feel like I’ve always sat back when I’ve been mistreated to avoid confrontation and focussed on trying to figure out their why instead of focussing on how their actions affect me physically and mentally. So I could go months or years in a toxic environment (and it’s happened in work, at home, in friend groups and every sphere) just being fully aware of someone’s manipulation, gaslighting, passive aggressiveness, smearing and all that and just be wondering why instead of getting the hell out of there.
Now I think I’ve gone to the other extreme and I’ll just presume anyone and everyone who pays me any attention has some motive to cause me harm unless they clearly state otherwise and even then I’ll question it. Which is a shite state of affairs but it makes sense based on a lot of past experiences. But the horrible part of it is that I will become hypervigilant around anyone that pays me attention that I don’t know or anyone who I can’t figure out or when my gut instinct and their behaviours don’t match. And that is purely a habit my brain and body have come up with to try to protect me because I have for so long been a people pleaser and done the whole ‘hurt people hurt people’ thing of trying to figure out how to help folks who’ve been unapologetically abusive instead of walking away.
I like gentle direct communication. I love a creepy flirt but genuinely don’t ever think anyone is flirting back, I mainly presume they’re after shooting me in the side of the head if they respond at all. But maybe they are if they can’t say otherwise?! Wouldn’t be the first time. I think I just need to accept that I’m a communication shambles, despite having a BA Hons degree in communication. Folks who want to be around always let you know so why bother constantly trying to psychologically understand folks’ motivations when they don’t? What a waste of time trying to figure out everyone else when I could be dancing on the beach at sunrise and other antics that fill my heart with actual gleeful feeling. All those books I mentioned have an overarching message that centering yourself and trusting yourself is how you grow and live a fulfilling life. I’m so lucky to live the life I have, I hate that there are things that I allow to hold me back and make me small. I think it’s something that is ingrained in all women from early childhood, that we are to play specific roles in society and serve others. We police everything we say and do to not offend and yet just existing sometimes we do. You cannot win. Whatever we do is just <that monologue from Barbie.>
“The more authentic you are the more you irritate people for no seemingly logical reason. Some people will ADORE you and some people just won’t like the way you express yourself. It has nothing to do with you. I think that’s why we mostly avoid being ourselves. We’re afraid of people finding us cringey. But to attract YOUR people, you must ALSO repel people. Like a magnet. It’s the price you pay for authenticity and you cannot take it personally.
We must ALSO question our own cringe towards others. I have to do this with myself all the time!!! This does NOT obviously apply to people who are being intentionally annoying. As long as someone isn’t harming you or anyone else, just let them be. Try to hold back on making that snarky comment your ego is so desperate to make about someone. It’s hard. But the inner peace and growth it provides is delicious.”
So I’m attempting to quit policing myself, I won’t hide away or stay quiet around things to make others comfortable in mistreating me. I won’t gatekeep myself anymore. Just going to keep ranting about stuff as it helps me to process it and let it go. I can feel my confidence growing as I lean into all the things that fill me up. I love that all the survivors who I spoke to last year after calling out that rapist are all growing and thriving too despite what others did to them without their consent. It fills me with so much admiration and ambition to keep going. They burned the witches for a reason. Even through the nastiest struggles I see these women figuring it out, often with little support in the spaces that would be most beneficial. You are all fucking amazing. Keep going.
Expect me to get even more cringe cos as Florence Given says, ‘being cringe is a public service’. Watch this reel and suck in all it’s juicy patter, it’s a perfect way to reframe all the internalised negative chat if you’ve related to any of my experiences and to instead focus on belonging to yourself and centering yourself. The haters get something to hate and you get to thrive and love your life, win win. The less time and effort we waste trying to make those determined to dislike us to change their minds the more time to focus on those that already love what we are all about or to make space for new connections that might be even greater.
THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU. x